more said than done

After all is said and done, there is usually more said than done.

Destroy

We mustn't let our passions destroy our dreams.

Bless Them

Romans 12:14

Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.

Scandals

And there's a lust in man no charm can tame, Of loudly publishing our neighbour's shame; On eagles' wings immortal scandals fly, While virtuous actions are but borne to die.

-- Decimus Junius Juvenal

Loud Voice

Irish Proverb: A loud voice can make even the truth sound foolish.

Greatness

An Irish Proverb: Great hate follows great love.

Heaven Has No

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

-- William Congreve

Rural Resort Dwellers

Segment 31:
Rural Resort Dwellers residents follow the scenic route. Favoring milder climates and pastoral settings, they live in rural nonfarm areas throughout the United States. These small, growing communities consist of single-family or mobile homes with a significant inventory of seasonal housing. With a median age of 46 years, the population is older than the U.S. median; most residents are married with no children living at home. Although retirement officially looms for many, most are still working. Many in Rural Resort Dwellers neighborhoods are self-employed with a median household income of $43,000. Simple living and consumer tastes describe the Rural Resort Dwellers residents. They own equipment so they can work on home and garden improvement projects. Domestic four-wheel drive trucks are popular. Their lifestyle includes baking and preparing home-cooked meals as well as participating in local civic issues. They read magazines that focus on fishing, hunting, and home improvement. They go hunting, listen to country music, and zoom around in power boats.

Spells

To break the spell...
Simply stop watching, stop reading, stop trying to not try.

To make me well...
Just please move away, go away, stop the obsession within.

Happy

Irish Proverb: All happy endings are beginnings as well.

Heaterz

It's cheaper to drive around (in my 30 mpg Saab), than it is to HEAT this house. No kiddin' Only dreaming now of winter escapes to the desert. Living outta my car in the winter would be so fun, a month at a time & get a hotel room occassionally.

Why is it that a weird girl like me, can plan a future that involves hi-tech & back roads all in the same breath? Hell-if-I-know(-why). Yep. I just wanna live like a retired senior with a motorhome (4x4 van), have a stable homebase office in the mountains, & cruise around documenting & delivering the West for all my Escapers. Ahhh.

Last night, eleven point 3 degrees. Boy oh boy. That is pretty cold for SoCal. No good boys here to keep me warm. One day I'll get a wood stove, one day I'll get a chainsaw & an axe, one day I'll fix my truck, get a dog, or a horse. I need my sun! One day soon I will be warm. Mod Resort here I come.

Hot Coals

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

-- Buddha

The Possibility

There is always a moment right before I begin to read the story when my mind churns, and I wonder, Will it happen today? I don’t know, for I never know beforehand, and deep down it really doesn’t matter. It’s the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee, a sort of wager on my part. And though you may call me a dreamer or fool or any other thing, I believe that anything is possible.

I realize the odds, and science, are against me. But science is not the total answer; this I know, this I have learned in my lifetime. And that leaves me with the belief that miracles, no matter how inexplicable or unbelievable, are real and can occur without regard to the natural order of things. So once again, just as I do every day, I begin to read the notebook aloud, so that she can hear it, in the hope that the miracle that has come to dominate my life will once again prevail.

And maybe, just maybe, it will.

Sitting in Pictures

"Maybe the idea of harmony. And the way a Hopi prays. A good life, a harmonious life, is a prayer. We don't just pray for ourselves, we pray for all things. We're famous for the Snake Dances, but a lot of people don't realize those ceremonies are prayers for rain and crops, prayers for life. We also pray for rain by sitting and thinking about rain. We sit and picture wet things like streams and clouds. It is sitting in pictures"

-- Fritz (the Hopi Indian college kid)
-- from the book BLUE HIGHWAYS, William Least Heat Moon

Bloodstain

They say if you took it all away
This love would fall apart
I say, no way
You don’t know the size of my heart.

Vicious, suspicious
It doesn’t matter what I say
Users and losers
There’s nothing here to make me stay.

Bloodstain on a blue vein
Take it with no shame
Love tracks on a loose train
Bloodstain

No gain with no pain
My scars are deeper than you think
Tie me, try me
One more time before I sink.

Big lies, big times
This love is not what we’re about
It’s too late, and I’m too straight
It’s time to blow this fire out.

Bloodstain on a blue vein
Take it with no shame
Love tracks on a loose train
Bloodstain on a blue vein

Take me softly
I’m going crazy for your touch.

Bloodstain on a blue vein
..blue....blood, blue....blood, blue...blood
Take it with no shame
..no...take, no...take, no...take

I’m alone
And dissatisfied
And someone else is alone
And dissatisfied



lyrics by -- Unkle

Too Hot to Trot

are you hot? good looking?
are you THAT good in bed?
do you still love him?
do you love him?
do you love him?

These are the questions that echo in my head this night. 11pm - a mason called me to talk about his dear brother & friend. He was asking me over & over again these same questions.

Damn you! This must be a trick.

How can I honestly answer him, when truthfulness is what got me in this mess to begin with. I spill out my heart in empty hope - only to be crucified & taken to court for my words. I formulate my jealousy & rage into poems, songs & emails. Nothing to gain. Only to release ... the bitter pain of rejection & heartbreak.

It has been one full year since I have stepped foot on his property. Years since we've kissed. Months since we've spoken. Never any physical violence, valid threats, or any weapons.... only the emotional ongoing turmoil between both of us. Now he's getting a restraining order against me, the 105 lb camp diva, cuz he can't stand seeing my hot lil ass around our small town.

Why did he have to move here? My life was nearly perfect until he showed up. Why him, why now?
Is he really hurting as much as me?

This has been the most difficult time of my life, all because I fell in love with the wrong man (my only stalker) & didn't have the time for him. I was too damn busy with my stupid little dot com dream.

Seeing him repeatedly in our small town makes me melt. Crying daily about my lost love is ridiculous, so I managed to pull myself together, re-landscape my backyard, triple my web traffic & of course, find another local man to screw.

No, I am no longer loving. I am simply fucking - again. Unconsciously existing. Trying to fight back the tears, as I am being embraced by another, I wonder what real manhood is all about. Over & over again I regret & I grieve. Trying my absolute hardest to forget, to let go, to get over him - I work my winter away in front of this box. Choosing another man these days, just to fill the void.

Needless to say, I am very bizarre chick. One who follows her passion by never following men. Obsessive - about life, about travel, about the outdoors, about our earth, about fun times with friends, about sex, about everything.

Yes, I am sorry that I couldn't have treated him better when he was here. Now, this subtle reminder is in my face daily -- for me to review with remorse, often, but not silently.

Hated

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.

---- Andre Gide

A Warrior's Choice

We choose only once. We choose either to be warriors or to be ordinary... A second choice does not exist. Not on this earth.

-- Carlos Castaneda

Blameless

The righteousness of the blameless makes a straight way for them, but the wicked are brought down by their own wickedness.

-- Proverbs 11:5

A Waste of Time

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.

-- Wayne Dyer

Make Them

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.

-- George Bernard Shaw

Reservoir

Providence is always on the side of the last reserve.

-- Napoleon Bonaparte

Moments

The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want at the moment.

The Hardest Way

It was so hard to see him this way - especially on Valentines Day. Bitter, nervous, angry & slightly emotional -- in front of the judge. I hid my compassion for him, along with my tears. I am not supposed to care - anymore.

Wanting to read a 2 page statement full of email examples, poison poems & specific incidences - of seeing me around our small mountain village, the judge would not hear it. His 6 friends were present, by his side, to speak their oh-so-rehearsed stories of my viciousness.

The court denied his day, his way.

They accepted the important evidence: Two 3-ring binders, filled with love poems, desperate emails & photos of my sexy body. A collection of 2 years worth of my thoughts & yearnings; my most private & personal data ever written. He claimed that I was obsessed with him, stalking & following him everywhere, although I have not set foot on his property in a year, nor have I followed him on his public hiking trails, nor have I parked next to his vehicle.

Maybe this small town isn't big enough for the both of us.
Perhaps the forests isn't large enough for the rest of us.

Drug-Induced Paranoia

We've all heard it before, the restlessness outside the door.
Must you put up such a fight, hopelessly, into the night.
I will walk the forest here, examining myself so near.
Will you live & learn & save, or force others to just behave?

It's obvious, Americans love their drugs. Prescriptions or otherwise.. it is a quiet epidemic. Escape from reality, from the every day grind, from life choices & the self-inflicted anxiety. Smoking weed can heighten your moods, temporarily & on a habitual regular basis, can deaden your senses.... even the most common senses. Side effects of the green, are short term memory loss, anxiety & paranoia. Smoking anything is very unhealthy to the lungs & as it seems marijuana has more tar than cigarettes & is usually smoked without filters, detrimental effects are seen in medical studies.

Rest

He who seeks rest finds boredom...
He who seeks work finds rest.

Poison Poems

A chronology of life, an assemblage of my inner most feelings, thoughts & desires have fallen to the wrong hands. A private journal of mine has been printed, read & re-read, analyzed & over-analyzed, talked over & re-hashed. Featuring much pain & spiteful poison poems, along with full color photos of my new bod.

Hmmm. Perhaps his holiday hug meant nothing after all. Do they not have anything else better to fill their time with? An obsession on their part & hatred within, has escalated into small town drama, bitter gossip & petty crap that only we will laugh about. But what else could I have expected from the low life's of the community?

___

of this year of last
resurfaced all my past
how little did I know
I'd love my only foe

behaviors now modified
taken all in one good stride
looking ahead to start anew
hike & hope not to see you

what is it that I've done so wrong
only wanting to not belong
my purpose is here you see
breaking the mold, skillfully

choosing to share, all that I care
loosing me now, ever to dare

you think you know me oh-so-well
simply I say - you can go to hell

Best Shot

Boys just wanna play
Why can't they stay away?
Selfish & all alone
Humbly, now a drone

At this box I sit & stare
Wondering why I still care
You beat me up &
then you pushed me down
Now I see, you're still around

Hiking the forest trails
Hearing loud my distant wales
I know not what I've done
Working hard, the only one

Trying to give it my best shot
Pathetic crying girl - I am not

Oceano

The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.

Kinda I Want To

I can’t shake this feeling from my head.
There’s a devil sleeping in my bed.
He’s watching you from across the way.
I cannot make this feeling go away

I know it’s not the right thing.
And I know it’s not the good think.
But kinda I want to

I’m not sure of what I should do.
When everything I think of is you.
All of my excuses turn to lies.
Maybe God will cover up his eyes

I know it’s not the right thing.
And I know it’s not the good think.
But kinda I want to

Maybe just for tonight.
We can pretend it’s alright.
What’s the price I pay.
I don’t care what they say.
I want to.
I want to

I’ll take my chance tonight



lyrics by -- Nine Inch Nails

Forcing

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. 

-- Cherie Carter-Scott

Aquarius, part 2

Aquarian Katy excitedly told her husband that she has concert tickets to Sisters of Mercy. His reply was "Who you taken?"

This past weekend I visited all my pals in San Diego & joined Katy at the House of Blues, where we walked Salvation Alley to see Sisters of Mercy. Next time they say standing room only, I'll make sure to splurge for the seats upstairs. Luckily I was able to exit the dance floor (in my borrowed platform boots) before the mosh pit started. Security put a quick stop to any violent fun & the silly adult boys were a little disappointed, but whaddya expect from a top-noch venue like that?

The Aquarius celebration ends today, the cusp -of the genius sign. We now move into a new realm of adventure, vivid lifelike dreams & special healing powers. Are you ready?

And today's horror-scope for Aquarius:
Your newfangled approach to things might be getting some serious flack from others today, dear Aquarius, but do not let this stop you. Realize that your independent and somewhat rebellious nature is a key ingredient in keeping the world in balance. Don't give up the fight when old and tired ways of doing things insist on taking the upper hand. Use your power from within to combat the forces from above.

Big Deal

You don't know what's wrong,
you only know it isn't right.
You don't remember for how long,
but you wake in tears at night.
Big deal.
Big deal.

You spend four nights a week now
looking for your inner child.
What you gonna say when you find him?
Suppose you don't like him
or he doesn't like you?
Suppose once you wake him up
he won't go back to bed
and wants to stay up late watching TV?

But you say there must be some reason
why you feel this way.
Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?
Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?

You say you wanna get cured,
you wanna turn off your head.
Oh and you say it hurts,
and you feel unsure.
First you doubt yourself and then you doubt her.

Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?
Big deal, that's the way I feel.
Big deal, what she think she feels?

What is it you wanna feel?
I don't think you wanna feel


lyrics by -- Everything but the Girl

Growth

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Beyond

"The future is beyond knowing, but the present is beyond belief."

-- William Irwin Thompson

Example

If you can't be a good example - then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

-- Catherine Aird

Dominion

In the heat of the night
In the heat of the day
When I close my eyes
When I look your way
When I meet the fear that lies inside
When I hear you say
In the heat of the moment
Say, say, say

Some day, some day, some day, dominion
Come a time
Some day, some day, some day, dominion
Some say prayers
Some say prayers
I say mine

In the light of the fact
On the lone and level
Sand stretch far away
In the heat of the action
In the settled dust
Hold hold and say
In the meeting of mined
Down in the streets of shame
In the betting of names on gold to rust
In the land of the blind
Be...king, king, king, king

Some day, some day, some day, dominion
Come a time
Some day, some day, some day, dominion
Some say prayers
Some say prayers
I say mine



lyrics by - Sisters of Mercy

Perspective

1: a way of regarding situations or topics etc.
2: the appearance of things relative to one another as determined by their distance from the viewer

The Fool

i've wronged you & you've wronged me
this could go on here...
indefinitely

cleaning the slate & starting anew
would you give it a break
learning not to accrue

wanting my space, to grow my own soul
you pushed & your prodded
i'll say it's getting old

i needed to be me, just let me work
but you had to move in
and be such a jerk

demanding, scolding, & being so cool
expecting too much here
now we both play the fool

Relinquish

Relinquishing control is the ultimate challenge for the Spiritual Warrior.

Saintly Sins

Tomorrow morning will determine how I will view 'falling in love' - for the rest of my life. No more fairy tale bull shit. No more poems, original songs or promises to believe. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day & while most couples are lined up to get married, I will be standing solo, as usual, defending my place in the forest. On this special day for romance, I will be present at the Kern Courthouse to hear my former lover, tell the world just how much he hates me. My crime - loving too much.

Mind you, this is the goofy Freemason boy, who signed up on consecutive Total Escape Adventures & knew more about me than any customer ever had. He dated my San Diego neighbor for months, bought the same kind of vehicle as mine (Amigo) & as soon as I move to Los Padres, he follows me up here to buy a home too. Pursuing me to win my hardened heart, dazzle my days & then rip me to shreds.

This poor boy knows no work ethic or self discipline. He chooses to live among small minded folks, who he can easily impress & who ask nothing of him. He would like to control MY every move (as the submissive female) - including what time I can visit the post office, local cafe, even which trails or roads I can be on. We live in a 2 mile radius, in the middle of nowhere. Deal with it!

You will see me - almost daily, in your life, cuz you moved here - near me
..... And if this haunts you, seek professional therapy, soon.

In the many stories of Saint Valentine, he was always known as a martyr. So, if DanaMite is found dead in the forest with a bullet hole in her head, you all know who finally lost it.

Genevieve

I have been driving back roads for over 2 decades... camping, hiking, biking, exploring. Matter of fact, I love it so much, I created a web site because of my love for nature. My truest passion, vision with technology working on my side, I have built a very popular California site to aid travelers who seek off the beaten path.

Nothing can slow you down better than a good foot injury. Just as my life was getting off the ground, as a new home owner & growing dot com biz, I managed to push myself a little too damn far. As usual.

In mid summer 2004, a drinking glass broke & the heaviest shard fell on top of my right foot. Seemed like a minor scrape to me, a bad bruise perhaps, so I iced it for 3 days. Then, I took off to Mammoth for the July 4th weekend. How bad could it really be - this was a luxurious condo trip, after all?

A small group of us climbed up the north side of Laurel Lakes - over to Lake Genevieve, a 10,000' alpine elevation lake in the high Sierra. Afterwards, I took Advil & continued to ice it hourly. I was leading another group, in the Sonora Pass the following weekend, & wasn't planning on missing it. I took it easy & researched some big creek near Bridgeport. Nine days after my initial injury, I literally limped home to Los Padres.

The following month, I was off to the Santa Cruz Redwoods for Firedance.org festival, where Total Escape had a merchant booth. Needless to say, these silly decisions to stay on my foot cost me dearly.

X-rays determined no broken bones, but I had nearly severed a major tendon. I spent the next few months on crutches with a very long winter ahead. With one awfully tired foot, I forced myself to stay put for one full season & work on the computer.

Managing to loose excess weight with better diet & yoga, Springtime was looking better than ever. Summer came not soon enough, but brought with it major landscaping & much physical labor. The abused foot was not healing properly. My arch was falling & I still had swelling. Back to the doctor for a fourth visit. Finally after a 6 months wearing custom orthodics/insoles, I can feel the healing curve is starting to progress.

No way... Nature girl cannot get cabin fever! I moved here to enjoy the forest, to re-create my life. Staring at a computer for too many hours can really bug me out, so I must spend time outside - daily. I will hike in the moonlit meadow; Stroll thru the warm forest with a solo picnic lunch; Drive the curvy mountains roads, watching the sunsets, as I please. This active outdoor babe has tripled her business, built a 100' long retaining wall & lost 20% of her body weight - all in the last year.

Now, after many of my hardest months behind me, I am healing my foot back to normal. Short hikes often, on level ground, has helped me recover in a slow but steady progress. The flattest trails in the forest, the old lady hikes, are now my favorite strolls. Places I would normally shy away from, I seek as refuge. Next, I plan to increase my canyon hikes, plus get back to mountain biking - to give my ass the real workout it deserves, along with much needed cardiovascular exercise. My lessons are long, my travels many. Slowly, but surely, I am healing.

On My Knees

It's 9pm on a Saturday night & I'm waiting for a boy to show up. A man, testosterone, male, anything, soon. He usually shows up sooner or later. Sometimes not for months, but eventually - he comes around. The wait is getting longer. The selection slimmer. The real ones fewer.

Three years ago this very month, I made a clear, concise decision to remove myself from normal everyday society. Urban, city - as I knew it. Eagerly I ran away to a mountain hide-out, so I could continue to build my business, my ever-expanding self, plus (the real reason) to be able to afford buy a house in SoCal.

Staying busy on a Saturday night in downtown San Diego was never a problem. Always a place to spend your cash. Always friends to have with laughs. I've done my decade of traveling, I just wanna stay put now. Yeah, now that I have a home. Relax, work, play. It's all about the discipline. The slowing of rural living, enjoying nature more often & having minimal distractions brought this dot com chica to her knees - literally.

Natural Light

I wanna let it get the best of me
Gotta give it all, cuz I believe
You'll only see me in natural light
Never hear me pickin' a fight

It's all a silly lil stupid game
Love still matters, all the same
Bitter hating, it's not for me
Cuz I just want real-ity

Narrow minds can go away,
Or do you really wanna stay?
Negative energy is all it is
Concentrate on your own biz

Stop fooling around and being a jerk
Your picked it here with all the quirks
Examine the self; then look at me
One day you'll see me - naturally

Blazing Trails

"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

-- Emerson

Baffled by Life

I suspected that this man embraced one crisis after another because they gave him significance, something like tragic stature. He had so lost belief in a world outside of himself, without crisis, he had nothing worth talking about. On and on, the tolling of words revealed his expertise in living a life that baffled him.

-- from the book BLUE HIGHWAYS, William Least Heat Moon

Remake

"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world... as in being able to remake ourselves."

-- Mahatma Gandhi

Stress Less

"It takes as much stress to be a success as it does to be a failure."

-- Emilio James Trujillo

Love what you do

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful."

-- Herman Cain

Foolish Hell

You are a dark soul. You mimic your peers, as you have no real identity. You betray me & everything pure we had. You ignore truth & light. You choose this path with these fools. I will let you go now. You've disappointed me for the last time. Go down with them! Go down to their hell, with their bad decisions & pathetic lives. Please don't ever say I didn't try hard enough. My persistence with my love has run it's course. In due time, you will come to realize what a horrible decision you have made. They will surely take you down with them. Be satisfied with the hell you've created.

Condemnation

Condemnation
Tried
Here on the stand
With the book in my hand
And truth on my side

Accusations
Lies
Hand me my sentence
I’ll show no repentance
I’ll suffer with pride

If for honesty
You want apologies
I don’t sympathize
If for kindness
You substitute blindness
Please open your eyes

Condemnation
Why
Because my duty
Was always to beauty
And that was my crime

Feel elation
High
To know I can trust this
Fix of injustice
Time after time

If you see purity
As immaturity
Well it’s no surprise
If for kindness
You substitute blindness
Please open your eyes



lyrics by - Depeche Mode

Warrior King Inside

So my Warrior King led me to techniques that helped me clear, clear, clear all the stuck and suppressed energy. And then as a validation, I met a man who mirrored to me -- my new self. We had a short, but very interesting relationship. In our relationship he expressed the male aspect - initiating our time together, making the plans, providing a safe environment for us to explore each other.

For the first time in my life, I surrendered and allowed a man to take the lead. He told me what he wanted and what he thought about things. I told him how I felt about what he said and wanted. And he respected my feelings. He made the necessary corrections to allow me to continue to feel safe and cherished.

As I reflected upon our relationship, I noticed the difference between this and all my past relationships. I acknowledged to myself how much I enjoyed expressing feminine energy in this relationship. And as I did this, I saw my inner female stand up and take notice. She came out of the fetal position in the back of the cave and stood in the sunlight. She basked in the energy of my appreciation of my femininity.

And as she absorbed this appreciation, she began to transform. She started growing up from a girl, through adolescence, through puberty, into a mature woman. And as she transformed, my inner male stood by and watched in fascination and growing excitement. Yes, yes, this is what he had been waiting for.

She grew into a beautiful woman and stood to face the Warrior King.

interesting reads by Suzanna Kennedy, http://www.realitycrafting.com

Charms

Tarot Cards, Viking Runes, Astrology, Prayer Beads, Jewels, Daily Yoga, Chanting & Mediation, Friends, Adventures. My interest are vast, my travels too few. My soul cries for a bitter one.

My reality has shifted. I live my life in the forest amongst blue birds, bunnies & eager mountain men. Discipline and positive energy flow are challenges faced daily in my small alpine village. The balance between my cyber world & real nature, just outside my door is very odd, but refreshing. And healing.

Oracles of truth & guidance are helping me uncover & release the person I am. Intuitive insight is an ever changing tool within myself, to help me along with difficulties in all areas of life. While growing on all levels, this past decade has been a dream come true. Raised a good lil Lutheran southern belle, my Bible versus were memorized, but my spirit & passion belonged to the earth. Pagan at heart? I doubt it, but I may find something soon enough. Not that I am shopping for a religion or anything, but it's sure fun to start the exploring down a new path. Kayaking the Kern this Spring, anyone?

Cannot believe it took so damn long for me to get here. My new home, my enchanted forest, my own canyon, my mountains. Pure heaven - with a little bit of hell. I feel like fresh jello. The mold has been lifted.

Yep - I even read more horoscopes on a daily basis, just for fun & convenience sake. They are so ironic & entertaining sometimes!

Barrel of a Gun

Do you mean this horny creep
Set upon weary feet
Who looks in need of sleep
That doesn’t come
This twisted, tortured mess
This bed of sinfulness
Who’s longing for some rest
And feeling numb

What do you expect of me
What is it you want?
Whatever you’ve planned for me
I’m not the one

A vicious appetite
Visits me each night
And won’t be satisfied
Won’t be denied
An unbearable pain
A beating in my brain
That leaves the mark of cain
Right here inside

What am I supposed to do?
When everything that I’ve done
Is leading me to conclude
I’m not the one

Whatever I’ve done
I’ve been staring down the barrel of a gun

Is there something you need from me?
Are you having your fun?
I never agreed to be
Your holy one

Whatever I’ve done
I’ve been staring down the barrel of a gun



lyrics by - Depeche Mode

My Story, page 1

On my 40th birthday, I type to you, my fans, my Escapers. To tell my stories of adventure & my tales of woe. I am DanaMite, founder Total Escape. The web site, the store, the trips, the vehicles, the land, the people. Total Escape, the vision.

Created in 1996 as a web resource for California, I compiled thousands of destination pages & digital photographs of anything outdoors. Anything California, anything camping, anything I could think of. Pouring out my knowledge of back roads & rural hide-always to you, my web buddies, my nature seekers, I realize that I do indeed love my job. Following my passions & blending adventurous strangers & friends, plus local travels, puts me on the map as a fun loving outdoors professional.

Last week we celebrated with a huge Aquarius-A-Go-Go party with 10 birthdays, at DanaMite's home. Escapers from all over SoCal & some local neighbor folks joined the festivities.

Today, this is my big four-ohhh! Wow, another decade has past. Some women are terrified to reach this age, as they see it all down hill from here. Hog wash I say. I am physically fit, attractive, never married, no kids, running my own successful dot com from my mountain paradise, living in a beautiful forest in a small cabin community in SoCal, with tons of cool neighbors (& a handful of freaks), plus I am driving a new Saabaru. After high school, I left Louisiana to discover myself & talents in California. I worked my ass off through junior colleges, art center, a 3D animation career & now I am 10 years into this web profession. Life is pretty good to me & all I wanna do is share it!

I was pretty excited about a 40th birthday, as I have accomplished a fair amount & very proud of who I am. But as happy as my life seems, there is always an undercurrent of unrest, uneasiness & negativity. Yes, there are people who love to hate & that usually means difficulties, dramas & disenchantment. Yes, someone is ruining my little mountain paradise, on purpose. And Miss Mite is getting very, very annoyed. A disturbed ex-lover who's trying to control my whereabouts, my life & my fun is now seeking court orders against me, the 105 lb camp diva. No guns, no dogs, no live-in boyfriend. Why do I pose a threat to him? (What, with my poetry?)

Remember now folks, he followed me up to Pine Mountain - 3 long years ago. He shows a darkness like I have never seen.

I am here to tell my story.
Stay tuned. There is definitely more to come.

Born of Frustration

All this frustration
I can’t meet all my desires
Strange conversation
Self-control has just expired
All an illusion
Only in my head you don’t exist
Who are you fooling
Don’t need a shrink but an exorcist

Show me the movie
Of who you are and where you’re from
Born of frustration
Caught up in the webs you’ve spun
Where’s the confusion
A vision of what life is like
Show me the movie
That doesn’t deal in black and white

Stop stop talking about who’s to blame
When all that counts is how to change

All this frustration
All this frustration
Who put round eyes on a butterfly’s wings
All this frustration
All this frustration
Who gave the leopards spots and taught the birds to sing

Born of frustration
Born of frustration

I’m living in the weirdest dream
Where nothing is the way it seems
Where no one’s who they need to be
Where nothing seems that real to me
What can we build our lives upon
No wall of stone, no solid ground
The world is spinning endlessly
We’re clinging to our own beliefs

Born of frustration
Born of frustration


lyrics - by James

beg of thee

My strength shines on
While I sing my song
Weakness creeps in
To bring original sin

Your light used to shine so bright
But all I see now is your darkest plight

Understanding nothing more
I am down here on the floor

Humble me, I beg of thee

Extraordinary

When one woman, for whatever reason, has the opportunity to lead an extraordinary life, she has no right to keep it to herself.

Aquarius-A-Go-Go

What a great weekend. The last of the party guests just left -- on this lazy late Sunday afternoon. Yes, DanaMite held the umpteenth annual Aquarius-A-Go-Go birthday bash in Pine Mountain Club this weekend.

Aquarian Lynn came up from Sage Brush Annie's with her instruments.
Kristin, the massage therapist from San Diego, joined her.

Aquarian Emiko from my Art Center days came too & made her yummy home made chili.

Katy (Aquarian) & Grant drove in from San Diego. Bob & MIke graciously offered their spare room in the most luxurious of settings. Mike baked a delicious home-made southern fave - a red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting.

Both Suite Caroline from Hermosa & Noni made it out to join the celebrations. Both were passed out before midnight, while the party raged until 3am.

Cindy from Orange County hooked up with Paul from down the street & had a room reserved at Marcelo's new mountain pad. Aquarian Julie & Marcelo were entertaining each other, so they were missing in action for most of the weekend.

Erik (Aquarian) from Mountain BodyWorks traded massages with all the feel good energy folks.

PMCLocals who made an appearance: Aquarian Sista Moutique, Marguerite, Ren, Devon, Bob & MIke, Peter & John, Lee & Stephanie, Stewart from Pinon Pines, Steve & Crissy from Cuddy, Bobbie & Joe, from the Bear Cafe. Maybe more, but the night has now become a big blur.

Sunday, today, we did a coupla small hikes around town. Now it's off to Marguerite's to see here plastering job & finish off the red velvet cake. Then over to Mike & Bob's for steak dinner.

Yeah! What a great group of friends. Life is indeed good.
Thanks to all who showed up & I am really looking forward to more gatherings.

Stay tuned for the photos.

Silence

Give me release
witness me
I am outside
give me peace

Heaven holds a sense of wonder
and I wanted to believe
that I'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

Passion chokes the flower
'til she cries no more
possessing all the beauty
hungry still for more

Heaven holds a sense of wonder and I wanted to believe
that I'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

I can't help this longing
comfort me
I can't hold it all in
if you won't let me

Heaven holds a sense of wonder and I wanted to believe
that I'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

In this white wave
I am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
I believe x2

I have seen you
in this white wave
you are silent
you are breathing
in this white wave
I am free
I am free
I am free


lyrics by - sarah mclaughlin

What Lies Within

What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bless

Romans 12:14

Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.

Walking in My Shoes

I would tell you about the things
They put me through
The pain I’ve been subjected to
But the lord himself would blush
The countless feasts laid at my feet
Forbidden fruits for me to eat
But I think your pulse would start to rush

Now I’m not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You’ll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes

Morality would frown upon
Decency look down upon
The scapegoat fate’s made of me
But I promise you, my judge and jurors
My intentions couldn’t have been purer
My case is easy to see

I’m not looking for a clearer conscience
Peace of mind after what I’ve been through
And before we talk of repentance
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes


lyrics by - Depeche Mode

Aquarius, part 1

AQUARIUS WOMAN: The most important thing for you to remember about Aquarius Woman is that "she knows!" After all, her motto is "I KNOW, therefore I AM." She's intellectual, independent, rebellious and a bit outrageous! She rules technology and electricity; therefore, she is a technology marvel even if she doesn't realize it yet. Aquarius Woman is usually drawn to careers that put her where there are crowds and masses of people because she rules the 11th house friends and organizations. You may also find her in careers that have to do with media or careers that utilize her technological gifts. She may even have her own website. Her sense of humor can literally roll you right off your chair. She's an inspiration to everyone around her. She sees joy in the gloomiest situations and some how makes it all seem fun. She sees the world as incredibly "beautiful" with her child-like eyes. She may use the word "serendipity" in her vocabulary as she also has the most inventive mind of the zodiac.

This is one gal who will not be caught up in social trends and fads. She's unconventional, a bit eccentric and not all that concerned about her appearance. She'll roll up her sleeves and get down to business and doesn't mind getting her hands dirty. When it comes to her daily job, she's committed to duty and regimented to her core. More than likely, she has a hobby that will keep her awake during the wee hours of the night. She's probably reading and filling her mind with more information. Don't be surprised if one day she gives up her steady paycheck to chase her passion . . cause she'll do it! She's likely attracted to a man who is overbearing, arrogant, outrageous and probably maniacal. She imagines this type of man lacks in Love and is full of himself; therefore, she is free to pursue her independent ways. Independence is her "air" and she has to have it! Even though her relationships may seem dispassionate, she is a perfect example of the "woman who Loved too much" and that goes for all her relationships. Aquarius Woman is not a bit clingy because she is the most freedom-Loving sign. Rarely do Aquarius Women marry or they marry later in Life, because they are so independent and unwilling to give up their personal freedoms. When you communicate with her, use logic first rather than emotional drama because her communication skills are more than just emotional jabber. Oh - all those men around her, if she says they are "just friends," believe her!

Awareness

I am aware that I am NOT most people. I do not think or act like the majority, nor do I want to. No television for 20+ yrs means I have lotsa time to work on myself, my education & my web biz. As a poor southern girl who has worked her ass off to get to where she is, I am very proud of my business & my life of accomplishments. I choose live my dreamy little life on my own conditions, under my own reality & creating a magnificent portal for all Californians to utilize for their valuable 'days off'.

Most of my many friends really appreciate me & what I stand for. Adventures, local travels, new connections, small towns, hidden destinations, mother nature, & online promotion, are all part of my daily life. I always welcome newness, change & freedom into my world. My friends & associates are vast, my knowledge growing & my skills improving.

Recently, however, I have discovered a few angry souls who despise me for what I am. They love to hate. They are negative misplaced fools who blame others for their miserable lives. These energy-suckers will ruin your day, if you but let them. They will pull you down to their level at whatever opportunity they can find. These are the folks who will pretend to be your friend, then talk vicious lies behind your back, due to their uncontrollable envy & greed. Yes, there are unhappy people nearby, affecting my new mountain paradise, that hate me with all the passion & purpose they can muster up.

My ultimate dream to work from home in a rural cabin community & grow my 10 yr old business to a total success, has turned into a living hell, all based on jealous paranoia of weird neighbors. The small town gossip drama has risen - with an ex-lover who cannot stop looking at me, can't stand seeing me & cannot stop talking about me. Adults acting like high school kids, brewing in their own negativity, their own problems, in a bitter downward spiral that only they created.

The weekly soap-opera has escalated now & I will make my voice heard for all who wish to listen. As the years unfold in Los Padres - lives will change, careers will be altered, & old opinions re-evaluated. This silly story should be entertaining at the very least.

Awareness, on all levels, means I now look far beyond the mundane petty bull shit of today, deep into the future. Aquarians are known to see farther than any other of the zodiac signs. The unforeseen, the unexplained, the unknowable, the uncertain future are all exciting new realms, not to be feared, but to embrace by each & every one of us. Enemies come in all shapes & sizes. Mean people do exist, even in the most beautiful alpine villages.

Who knows, maybe I can write a book on day, as I've never been one to back down from challenges or good story telling.

clean air

Well good, at least he's accounted for. I was beginning to wonder, I mean worry. Together again. Second, no, third time this week. This is the best I can hope for, right now.

Capable of showing passion & enthusiasm for just about anything, he is a rare talented breed of excellent stock. Born a lover, he knows how to play his women well with dining, music & lotsa lovable sex. Yes. I was a mere pawn in the grand scheme of his world. Animalistically attracted, like nothing I have ever felt in my decades of romancing, we played each other with caution & electrical sparks. What we shared was truly unique, although he now claims we had no special chemistry. Cast aside like a humbled beggar, my reality will never be the same.

He must be in good hands now with the nurturing touch he was longing for. I hope they teach each other well. This may be her last possible chance, ever again to mate. Let her have him. She's failed at so much in life, let her have this one glory, if only for a short while. She had to beg, borrow, cheat & steal to acquire her possession, while betraying our friendship, she used me. The betrayal is obvious. The reasons are clear. Greed, jealousy, envy.

Feel comforted that he is in a safe place, local & not wandering. What more can I ask for?

Hmmm. I can surely wait this one out. Perhaps at the cost of my sanity, but at least I live in a beautiful pine forest & breathe clean air.

Feisty

From the poor bayous of Louisiana, a feisty lil girl escaped to the higher elevations of California. Seeking a dream life, like so many who move out west, DanaMite moved to San Diego in 1984, after high school graduation. Landing so close to the water & examining the glistening downtown bay at night, I knew I had made the right choice. My father took me to a jazz bar & grill. That night is engraved in my head forever.

The Sum

the sum of the year
is precious my dear
for it holds the collection
of your own reflection

tis the only season
for my timely reason
sharing, caring & loving aloud
walking so tall & very proud

do not be a lazy jerk
the sum of your work
is measured with love
efforts, hardships, everything from above

Proverb

Proverbs 24:17

Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth.

Reclaiming Your Manhood

Sit down with your wife and say something like this: 'Honey, I've made a terrible mistake. I've given you my role. I gave up leading this family, and I forced you to take my place. Now, I must reclaim that role.'

Timothy

1 Timothy 2:11-13

A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve.

Love (my) Life

How does a petite & fiesty brunette get a decent date in this cyber world?

105 lbs. Never married, no kids, self-made dream career, decent looking, in shape & a mountain home owner seems like more than decent qualifications. But all I've found up here is silly, dorky, stoned boys wanting me to drop what I am doing to service them. Or divorced toothless contractor alcoholics. Excuse me fellas! I am not your mother, nor your shrink, nor your cook, nor your girlfriend.

My love life is dismal (at best) & I am still seeking that one special man who will find me more than just intriguing. The one that will not be intimdated by a strong personality.

Drag Along

fresh starts, a new year
reconsider by your own ear

forget the past & move ahead
morbid curiosity never dead

working here with colors shown
earth passions, always alone

here I am near living fools
killing the day with little tools

be there, be square
be all, I hope to care

talk is cheap
lessons are long
thank you babe for singing that new song

reality is set
experiences are wrong
thanks so much for dragging me along

Welcome the Longer Days

As I beat down my ever growing ego & try to unravel my last few ounces of sense, I decide to relay my thoughts via this new venue. The last 3 years of my life has been a whirlwind of constant activity and growth. Emotionally, physically, financially, romantically, spiritually... in almost every aspect of my life, there has been massive changes and challenges. Dragging myself thru the dirt, choking on all my dust, I am here to celebrate.

I am welcoming in the new year with a fresh start; new energy, lotsa love and more discipline than ever before. Tone up them abs, eat better foods, continue my dream life (with more awareness): my first home & my growing dot com biz. More home improvements, more marketing, more content and photos, building a better web site - for everyone to enjoy.

My life currently consists of:
Joomla training (Content Management Software)
OSCommerce (New Storefront & Constant Updates)
Trek Mountain Bike (Recently Reconditioned)
Saabaru (2005, AWD, 30 mpg)
Household Paint Dark Purple (for my LaundryRoom)

Last year, I finally slowed down. Adulthood is right around the corner. I traveled less, worked more & lost 25 lbs.
My past year can be summed up with photos - http://totalescape.net/pix/2005/

The Sum

the sum of the year
is precious my dear
for it holds the collection
of your own reflection

tis the only season
for my timely reason
sharing, caring & loving aloud
walking so tall & very proud

do not be a lazy jerk
the sum of your work
is measured with love
efforts, hardships, everything from above

Hugs Everyone

He hugged me today. He was tall, firm & warm. Finally he touched me.

I am sure he was speaking to me, but I lost myself deep in his blue wells. They shown so bright, as he spoke & waved his arms about. Like mirrors to his soul, I see his every move. I had a hard time keeping my focus on the topics at hand, since I was amazed that he was even talking with me. I was mesmerized by his strength and boldness. Making stern points and demands, he was standing above me, gazing into my eyes with a smirk on his face. He was studying me, as I have done to him. Convincing me that he still does (not) care. It was hard to take him seriously, since he was telling me about his cool vehicle in one breath and scolding me with the other.

Thank goodness for small miracles!

(and the rest is history)

Dream of You

i've been here all the time
as far as i know doing right

i've always waited for the moment
that you would come through my door
but this brought loneliness so far

i lay my hand onto my heart
is this the life i want to live?
is this the dream i had of you?

the dream i had of you

now i'm standing here alone
waiting on my own
for something that will fill the emptiness
inside the moment that you mind

but this is loneliness i know
i lay my hand onto my soul
is this what life has got to give?
is this the dream i had of you?

the dream i had of you..


lyrics by - schiller mit heppner

Dry Lakebeds

This past holiday weekend was spent with my best friend, exploring the depths of Death Valley National Park. Sailing across a smooth dry lake bed with an all wheel drive vehicle was a blast. After a few donuts in the dirt, we hopped out for poser photos with the Saabaru.

Driving on hard mud puzzle piece chunks, a bit cushy & crunchy. Yeah! The white Surburban is leaving the deserted lake bed. Cool! Lemme start from way back here.

How fast can I go? Just like the commercials, I was eager to feel the car in action. How long is this stretch of dry lake bed? Can I reach 100 mph? Is that safe? What if I hit a rock? Where does the white stuff end? Are the vents closed?

Well, I only managed to reach 70 mph & that was fast enough. Then we headed over to the dunes. This is when I realized just how low my car is. Getting stuck? After a few close calls while doing turns at the base of the dunes ... sinking as I floored the excellerator & straightened the wheels to escape, we decided to call it a night & watch the mellow sunset near a creek.

bridges

Me - burning bridges? Which bridges are those?

The ones that link me to the darker side?
The bridge to hate, anger & betrayal. The bridge that sets me apart from you. Or the one that connects us all in so many ways. What bridge am I burning & why?
The bridge to you & your mean spirited friends. The bridge across the anger that flows from you so well. The gap between us is growing ever wider.

Your heart is filled with bitterness.
We do not know how to swim.

Merry Jane

It's a comfort zone, sadness.
Makes you look inside.

It's a mellow zone, madness.
Keeps me more alive.

Call it enlightenment,
Call it a buzz.
Addiction is clear,
Sent from above.

Heaven or hell, make it my own spell.
Creating my reality & knowing it well.

Give it your best.
Put your knees to the ground.
You'll get off this merry-go-round.

Make it enlightning, make it profound.
You may only get one go 'round.

Heaven or hell, with my hard sell.
Creating my mind & wearing it well.

Begin with Sin

the reasons that you hate
are unclear my dear
the past stories you debate
are hearsay my peer

the rumors created
the gossip elated
opinions made up
from false data
then mated

manipulations have gone awry
spawning it all, the vicious lie
unveiling hidden motives
no one will ever notice

except me

I gotta sleep with him
although it's brought thru sin
I will never ever begin to win
such an alluring soul like him

It's my only hope you see
to bring the truth to be
find the gem within
to forgive & then begin

It's my only hope you see
what more can I be

except me

Power of Lies

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes - Mark Twain

Show Me

You're a musician or maybe a poet, silly girl and you'll never know it.
If you only came up here to get yourself high, then you must be preaching some kinda lie.
Follow the lows as low as they go, find the answers where ever they show.
Come with me baby. I'll show you the day. Come on now baby, I'll lead you my way.

Live the Lie

What sorrow must she weep
To know my only creep.

What bitterness entails,
Above my lonely wales.

My words are poison to thy ears,
Creating now my deepest fears.

How vulnerable am I
To live such this silly lie.

Empty

Another year has past, leaving me empty & forsaken.
As I design my beautiful life to be, I wait for only thee.

Roam the Forest

In the forest I will roam, until I bring my lover home.
In the forest I will weep. Patiently his heart I keep.

In the loving eyes of blue,
What the hell became of you?

Distance has no effect, emotions high & still a wreck.

A Blast

Who hated me first, you or them?
Who lead who astray, easily willing to betray.

Who liked me once, who loved me more?
Now I can see me begging for more.

Whose love will last, forgetting the past
All I need is to have a blast!

The Bell

Can you ring the bell to my only hell?
Can you make me wait beyond predestined fate?

Will you make me better?
Or just let me learn to hate?

Blanket

Music is my sanctuary
Music is my blanket

Emotionless the city lies
Cruel it is, it clouds my eyes
The dull the dark shades on my day
I live inside this place

Locked up inside my metal cage
Always tense and filled with rage
Above the concrete fields below
With you i wanna go, wanna go

Music is my sanctuary
Music is my blanket

I see only what i wanna see
I'll be only what i wanna be
My blanket covers me, yes


lyrics by - Urban Species

Spreading

Spreading your seed, your art, your love - one woman at a time.

Love = Spirit

Love:
The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nuturing anothers' spritual growth.

Blaze

Take this energy & turn it into song
For eager souls wish to belong

Test the waters of your own emotions
Starting inside a little commotion

Within your heart & often your head
The pain & suffering are nearly dead.

Blaze me again, to really check in.
My reality, the hardest it's been.

Wasted Early Sunday

You're not the sun, It's just a light,
Waking early sunday morning,
You're not my church,
It's just the bells,
Ringing sweetly through the house,

And in this sense of mine,
You're not this prayer.
You're still in reach,
I please myself,
Wasting early sunday morning

You're not my lead,
You're just my help,
Talk the edge off sheer denial
And in this state of mine
You're what I want,
Nothing close to what I need
I breathe you in
Suit yourself, lose myself

Breaking early sunday morning
You're not the sun
You're not my church,
I still hold some self-control,
But in this sense of mine
I'm still too high, look no hands
I breathe you in


lyrics by - The Sneaker Pimps

All I Need

All I need is a little time,
To get behind this sun and cast my weight,
All I need is a peace of this mind,
Then I can celebrate.

All in all there's something to give,
All in all there's something to do,
All in all there's something to live,
With you ...

All I need is a little sign,
To get behind this sun and cast this weight of mine,
All I need is the place to find,
And there I'll celebrate.

All in all there's something to give



lyrics by - AIR

charming business

Regarding these accusations, I stand by my actions. I guess there are two sides to every story. I will say, I am very sorry I got romantically involved with you, as we should have known better. In the emptiness after her and I split, you were such a powerful woman, I couldn’t resist your charms. Mostly it was your sharp mind, sexuality and business savvy.

a bad idea

Actually, please do not send me her address. I would have liked to exchange letters with her and see why she's still in tears over our relationship, but after the morning's walk, I now think it's a bad idea.

filled with hate

But 'tis not me that's filled with hate, only firm resolution to keep my boundaries clear.

unfounded

Are you saying you refuse to tell me why you won't leave me alone to live my life?
Are you looking for justice? Do want to be in court about something? What are you looking for?

I have reviewed our history and found that it takes two to tango, there were good and bad things about it. Many of your accusations are unfounded. What can I do to end this and have you release me?

Your Way

Go on and have your life.
I will assume you will do me that honor, at least.

opinions

My opinion and situation about you and your business has indeed changed, unfortunately, much for the worse. It also appears many of my words have been edited or re-written in the article, twisting the meaning, yet revealing your hidden motives.