Don’t Look (Back)

Sit Still
And close your eyes
What’s behind the other door
Oh, no more silence
Don’t kill this thing we got called love
Just searching for the perfect drug

When love comes calling
Don’t look back
When love comes calling
Don’t look away

When love comes calling
Don’t look back
When love comes calling
Don’t look away

And I’m standing over here
Watching you over there
Smiling, happy, unaware
Oh, life is spinning round
You’re going underground
Forgetting who we were
Let’s try and keep it
Just one more day

When love comes calling
Don’t look back
When love comes calling
Don’t look away

When love comes calling
Don’t look back
When love comes calling
Don’t look away

You take your love
And throw it all around
Like it’s nothing special
Just a sound

Let me say one more thing
I don’t think you realize
That a day is like a year sometime

When love comes calling
Don’t look back
When love comes calling
Don’t look away



--- lyrics by Angel Milk & Telepopmusik

where it ends...

Henry David Thoreau

14.7 degrees

and it's only midnight!
brrr.....

Arrrrghhh

Typical mountain high speeds.
And this is exactly why I work late night :)

Jeep tow in Baja

Just another great example of why I own an Isuzu & NOT a Jeep.

classless

It has been said that America is a "classless" society. This is true in the sense of class as it is traditionally known in Europe or India, where one's class at birth largely determines one's social station in life. But there is a huge disparity in the socioeconomic status of the upper and lower classes in America. The "classlessness" means that one can freely move between them by changing one's financial situation; one's outcomes – not one's origins – determine one's class.

Getting all you can out of Life

Your Personality Type: Leader

* You're a strong and energized Leader who's driven to make an impact on the world.
* People describe you as courageous and a "force to be reckoned with." Indeed, with your passion, persistence, and versatility, you can do almost anything. You can start a company, run a household, or wage a war (and all at one time if necessary!).
* Like all true Leaders, you're not afraid to take risks. You thrive on intensity and excitement and gravitate toward other strong-willed people. Your friends, family, and co-workers always look to you to lead the way.
* You're willing to make unpopular decisions and to go against everyone's advice if you believe it's the right thing to do. You're tough skinned and don't have to please everyone. In the end, you'd rather be respected than liked.
* Still, most people appreciate your honesty and directness. They always know where they stand with you. Indeed, you're a loyal friend and would do anything to protect the ones you love.

Holidaze

Are you sick of the hype? The commercial frenzie to buy everyone you know a gift? A small token of a years worth of knowing them? The media madness to make you want to go to a mall, although you hate shopping? The holiday traffic, the crowds, the tension, the advertisements.

I am not alone. Many are sick of what the American Christmas has become. Cheap plastic lawn ornaments from China. Lighting up your home exterior, so your electric bill can double in January. The cheesy work parties. Maxing out your budget to be able to afford a good Xmas. I say it loud & clear fuck Christmas!

This holiday season no longer stands for what it used to. It has been ruined by over-commercial corporate crap. I will happily celebrate the Winter Solstice in the middle of nowhere instead.

seen it all

Right when you think you've seen it all, somebody opens your eyes wider.

Cypress Trees

Cypress, the Faithfulness - Strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, happy, content, optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic and careless.

liberality

DANA is a Pali word that can be translated as giving, generosity, charity, and liberality. It occupies an important part in the Buddha's teaching, which is often formulated under three headings - dana, sila, bhavana (giving, morality,
meditation or mental cultivation).




Buddhists should take heed and cultivate a good spirit of dana.

Little Fluffy Clouds

What were the skies like when u were young?
They went on for ever and they when I we lived in Arizona and the skies
always had little fluffy clouds and err.. they were long and clear and there
were lots of stars, at night.
And errr when it rain it would all turn, it, they were beautiful, the most
beautiful skies as a matter of fact, the sunsets were purple and red and
yellow and on fire and the clouds would catch the colours everywhere,
thats, its neat because I used to look at them all the time when i was
little. You don't see that.

Little fluffy clouds and little fluffy clouds and
lililillilililililillililililililili little fluffy clouds and little fluffy
clouds and lililililililililililililililililililili

What were skies like when you were young?
They went on for ever and they when I we lived in Arizona and the skies
always had little fluffy clouds and err.. they were long and clear and there
were lots of stars, at night.
And errr when it rain it would all turn, it, they were beautiful, the most
beautiful skies as a matter of fact, errr the sunsets were the sunsets were
purple and red and yellow and on fire and the clouds would catch the
colours everywhere, thats, its neat because I used to look at them all the
time when i was little. You don't see that.
little fluffy clouds and little fluffy clouds and
lililililililililililililililililililililili little fuffy clouds and little
fluffy clouds and lililililililililililililililililililili
when I we lived in Arizona and the skies always had little fluffy clouds and
err.. they were long and clear and there were lots of stars, at night.
And errr when it rain it would all turn, it, they were beautiful, the most
beautiful skies as a matter of fact the sunsets were the sunsets were purple
and red and yellow and were on fire and the clouds would catch the colours
everywhere, thats, its neat because I used to look at them all the time when
i was little. You don't see that, you might still see them in the desert.

The most beautiful skies as a matter of fact
purple and red

purple and red and yellow and on fire




lyrics by -- The Orb

regreting it

Either you know me... or you don't!
Either way, you might regret it.

doing something

Those who can, do. Those who can't, bitch. -- Matty

long roads

I have walked that long road to freedom. I have tried not to falter; I have made missteps along the way. But I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are more hills to climb. I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come. But I can rest only for a moment, for with freedom come responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not yet ended. -- Nelson Mandela

afraid

Now I often talk of my heart
How can I turn to the dark
And the swaying silence
I see, there's nothing I can hold on to
You can't breathe if I hold you tight
You can't breathe if I hold you tight

Dont be afraid of letting go
Dont be afraid of letting go

Not of anything, Not of anyone
All alone here with my demons
Am I ready to move on
To a person or place
Alone away from here
And I miss you
And I loose you
And I found you
I choose to follow my heart

Dont be afraid of letting go
Dont be afraid of letting go

Not of anything, Not of anyone
Not of anything, Not of anyone


lyrics by -- Nitin Sawhney

but I am efficient

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. -- Peter Drucker

Only in Death Valley

18 degrees

As I bask in the sunlight, tanning myself this past weekend, I soaked up every second of warmth. I knew my home would be chilly and precipitation was possible. My trusty Amiga departed the desert valley at sundown & minimal sunlight was left. The clouds were already forming overhead & I knew that meant real weather had moved into my mountain community, some 300 miles away.


A hot satisfying dinner awaited at Olancha's Ranch House Cafe, where I aired up my tires back to 30 psi. Fellow campers exchanged stories of fuel shortages & helpful strangers. Across the Mojave desert & up the hill I drove, arriving home late in the night. As the first snows of the season landed on my patio, I wonderd if the winds were bad in the desert that I called my home.

healed

Saline was as magical as ever. My 3rd time was a charm. The unusual Thanksgiving was spent at a potluck picnic, on a green grassy lawn, under the russling palms, quite far from any electricity or paved road.

I ventured solo into the desert to soak my soul & feel the warmth of the loving sun. The remote destination was crowded with only the coolest campers in Death Valley.

do what you have to

First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. -- Epictetus

shiningargos

A man with a hundred eyes...glistening, existing in my small town.
Are those tears I see?

Rapid What?

my 3rd Taurus

The boy Taurians are strangely attracted to me, DanaMite, the wild Aquarian girl. What certain characteristics peak their interest in me, inevitably these differences pull us apart. I initially dig them for their strong nature & 'geek factor' - but all fails in the end. Esp. in the bedroom, or perhaps the clothing optional hot springs.

Taurus & Aquarius Attractions

This is an unusual combination and the association isn’t likely to last long. Taurus is fixed earth and Aquarius is fixed air. The two signs form a natural square between them, signaling challenges and conflict. Aquarius tends to be very social, easy going and willing to try everything at least once. Taurus, on the other hand, are very sentimental and form emotional attachments to things, feelings and people. Read: they do not like change and usually hate trying anything new. Unless this couple has very compatible moon signs and other factors in their charts together, the combination is very unlikely to last long.

For All The Wrong Reasons

Well I wanted you
I wanted no one else
I thought it through
I got you to myself
You got off
Every time you got on to me
I got caught up
In favorable slavery

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn't really right
I guess it wasn't meant to be
It didn't matter what they said
'Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn't matter what I tried
It's just a little hard to leave
When you're going down on me
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons

Well you know my friends
Well they know your enemies
I'd pretend
Not to hear what they said to me
'Cause I got off
Every time you got on to me
Was it wrong
To go along with insanity?

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn't what I wanted
Wasn't really what I thought
Thought it was the day I got
I want it all to go away


lyrics by --- Nickelback

H2o Hottie, Where are you?

You Should Be With a Water Sign!

Your best match is a Cancer, Scorpio, or Pisces Why? You crave intimacy and connection in your relationship And while most guys can't open up enough for you, a Water Sign can Not that you're whole relationship will be soul gazing A Water Sign matches your goofy sense of humor - and desire to help others.

What Sign Should You Date?

dream of you

i've been here all the time
as far as i know doing right

i've always waited for the moment
that you would come through my door
but this brought loneliness so far

i lay my hand onto my heart
is this the life i want to live?
is this the dream i had of you?

the dream i had of you

now i'm standing here alone
waiting on my own
for something that will fill the emptiness
inside the moment that you mind

but this is loneliness i know
i lay my hand onto my soul
is this what life has got to give?
is this the dream i had of you?

the dream i had of you..


lyrics by -- schiller mit heppner

detailed analysis below

I knew it all along. The ultimate balance must be killing me.

good for the soul

Rambling is good for the soul.
Confession is good for the soul.
Gossip is good for the soul.
Poetry is good for the soul.

A little searching is good for the soul.
Change is good for the soul.
Capitalism is good for the soul.
Implementation is good for the soul.

Merlot is good for the soul.
Laughing is good for the soul.
Self-analysis is good for the soul.
Digging a hole is good for the soul.

Music is good for the soul.
Sleep deprivation is good for the soul.
Transparency is good for the soul.
Green is good for the soul.

Truly suffering is good for the soul.

complaint box

Isn't it odd....how so many empty souls complain about their lives constantly? Listening to them makes me laugh out loud. Everyday, it seems to be a new drama in their world. Maybe they learn it from the Tell-A-Vision? A bitter outlook, on just about everything -- from the neighbors, to politics, to religion, to minorities, to rich folks, their old cars, their current situation, location, home, or their work (or lack there of).

When these kinda freaks enter my life (which luckily is few & far between), I tend to shut them down right away. Tell them to stop their whining & do something about their pathetic existence. Why spend time with these morons, who couldn't pull themsleves outta a trench even if they wanted to? Don't waste my time & I won't waste yours.

My solution: Go outside more, visit nature & appreciate the world you live in. When indoors, make the most of your time by working on stuff you enjoy, reading, expanding your body & mind, or entertaining with good friends.

And remember, EVERYTHING in moderation, even complaints.

a 10 year mission

"When you discover your mission, you will feel its demand. It will fill you with enthusiasm and a burning desire to get to work on it." -- W. Clement Stone

the master plan

"We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future." -- George Bernard Shaw

Do what you must

There is an idea running through your head that is asking you to slow down and take things once step at a time. The internal dialogue could drive you crazy if you are not careful. The most important thing for you to do at this time is to simply follow your heart. Do what you love to do.

curmudgeon

1 : archaic : MISER
2 : a crusty, ill-tempered, and usually old man

Fat Chicks

The dark shame in every guys past. We've all made the mistake.

"Dude, I cant believe you fucked a fat chick."
"Fuck you, you've done it before"
"Oh yeah"

Tubby

For all you who love to get your groove on, these boys can play.
http://www.tubbyfunk.com

Autumn

Autumn colors cast their golden light upon my new mountain home. Warmth fills the rooms with friends and more food. Work harder & enjoy!

All Hallows Eve

Another very memorable Halloween. Thanks to Lynn for jack-o-lanterns, Mike for the pink party cake, Ren for the batteries, Erik for bringing Kristin, and to Will for the spare digital camera. And most of all to Crissy & Steve for showing up before 6pm, to get the Tuesday night party started early.

driving force

So, if you think we are not sexually compatible, then why do you keep coming around?

Maybe I am too wild for some. So what.

Go have your bedroom boredom.

decry

Some protesters used syringes to pierce their arms and legs, then paint signs decrying the police in blood.

Do you love to hate?

Are you part of the lovers, or the haters?

resilient

How to Get Happy, instruction to help you become more resilient, the first skill for joyful living. Journey through The Golden Door, and enter a world of personal well-being - with the perfect balance of mind, body, and spirit.

Welcome

my meadow, your forest

you set me up to see me fall
you set me up to see it all
come crashing down, around your town
now we all strut by wearing our frown

why be so blue, what happened to you?
bitchin & complaining, hating god only knows who
the horror, confusion & breaking, so tall
you always just wanted me to feel small

you set me up to see me fall
you set me up to have a ball
a long, long journey to this paradise
my meadow, your forest, plan to compromise

Matterhorn

An overnight visit to the Swiss Alps, in San Luis Obispo!

The Dirt

Not all travelers take a path that is paved.

Wishing It Was

Beauty and grace is what touches me most
Good times can put me in fear
I always feel safe when things are bad
So I cannot let you come near

It seems that I thrive on the dark side of things
I always feel alive when the death bell rings
Now you have come and bring out the tears in me

Pain never makes me cry, but happiness does
It's so strange to watch my life go by
Wishing it was
Wishing it was more like a fantasy
Where every day surprises me
Wishing it was

This feeling won't last cause I cannot survive
I tell you I've been here before
When it's movin this fast
It's a matter of time
One of us walks out that door

It seems that I thrive on the dark side of things
I always feel alive when the death bell rings
Now you come and you bring out the tears in me

Give this some thought
And I'm sure you will know
This is the way it must be
Emotions will rise, emotions will flow
You bring out the tears in me
It's so strange to watch your life walk and where everyday
I've been burning the candle at both ends
And lied the truth I can't pretend
This is why I will not stay baby
Just like that I'm on my way


lyrics by --- Santana

Natural Beauty

The Great Outdoors: My beautiful temple.

Badman

Heard every word that was said that night
When the light of the world put the world to right

Well here's to the boys back in 628
Where an ear to the wall was a twist of fate

I will shine a blinding light
Through those hearts as black as night
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But as least the seeds of love will be sown

Now once in a while when I feel no shame
I get down on my knees and I pray for rain
And though the breeze blows gently while I state my case
There'll be certain men waiting just to scratch my face
Hand on my heart I will make a stand
For the life and the times of the mirrorman

In my head there is a mirror
When I've been bad, I've been wrong
Food for the saints that are quick to judge me
Hope for a Badman
This is the Badman's Song

Guilt in the frame of the looking-glass
Puts a shine on the mind where reflections pass
Where the jigsaw pieces of a broken man
Try and fit themselves together again
Lies in disguise in the name of trust
Put your head in the sand it will turn to dust

What's your problem ? What's your curse ?
Won't it make the matter worse ?
In my head...
And they say faith can move move mountains
Fire can cleanse your soul
Faith can move mountains
But mind over matter won't you stop all your chatter - No!

I heard every word that was said that night
When the light of the world put the world to right
When I hear soft whispers at the break of day
(I'm in trouble every step of the way)

Sweet talking boys who can do no wrong
When the stories are tall as the day is long
With such a thin drawn between friend and foe
Lord help me now and bless my soul

Look at yourself - See how you lie
Your hands start shaking and you don't know why
Look at yourself - See how you lie
Your hands start shaking and you don't know why
Well there's food for the saints that are quick to judge me
Hope for a Badman...


lyrics by --- Tears for Fears

Jizo

Whose force opens the gates of hell and cast a flaming pearl to light up the darkness. Believed to be the protector of people condemned to hell. A protective deity of travellers, and roadside statues are a common sight in Japan.

Mode - Mohd - Mohde

mode  [mohd]
– noun

1. a manner of acting or doing; method; way
2. a particular type or form of something
3. a designated condition or status, as for performing a task or responding to a problem

4. Philosophy.
5. Logic.
6. Music.
7. Grammar.
8. Statistics.
9. Petrography.
10. Physics.


[Origin: 1250–1300; ME mod(e) (< OF) < L modus measured amount, limit, manner, kind, tone]

Miss Popular

How do you work out the conflicts inherent in being so popular? Only you can figure it out.

Dirty Little Secret

If I had the chance love
I would not hesitate
To tell you all things I never said before
Don't tell me it's too late
'Cause I've relied on my illusions to keep me warm at night
and i've denied in my capacity to love
but I am willing to give up this fight

Been up all night drinking to drown my sorrows down
But nothing seems to help me since you went away
I'm so tired of this town where every tongue is wagging

When every back is turned
They're telling secrets that should never be revealed
There's nothing to be gained from this but disaster

Here's a good one
Did you hear about my friend
He's embarrassed to be seen now
'cause we all know, all know his sins

If I had the chance love
You know I would not hesitate
To tell you all things I never said before
Don't tell me it's too late
'cause I've relied on my illusions to keep me warm at night
and I've denied in my capacity to love
But I am willing to give up this fight
Oh I am willing to give up this fight



lyrics by --- Sarah McLachlan

Hearth Stone

Aquarius: Home is where the heart is, which shocks you. After all, you're the epitome of a free spirit, and you're never more comfortable than when you're wandering. However, even you need a home base.

Thanks! I knew that.

Inside your Mind

"I am going to show you something you've never seen before."

Into Ether

Babble

synth rock arranging
electronica influences
new age influences
a vocal-centric aesthetic
minor key tonality
use of the wah wah pedal
unusual vocal sounds
prominent percussion

Sometimes

Selfish is good, sometimes.

mood

mood  [mood]
– noun

1. a state or quality of feeling at a particular time: What's the boss' mood today?
2. a distinctive emotional quality or character: The mood of the music was almost funereal.
3. a prevailing emotional tone or general attitude: the country's mood.
4. a frame of mind disposed or receptive, as to some activity or thing: I'm not in the mood to see a movie.
5. a state of sullenness, gloom, or bad temper.

[Origin: bef. 900; ME; OE mōd mind, spirit; courage; c. G Mut, Goth mōths courage, ON mōthr anger]

Swords

Danger, in every corner.
I have become pure water.
I can identify.
I close my eyes.

I wear my sword at my side
I wear my sword at my side

Cleanse me.
Deep in the fire.
I have become pure water.

I wear my sword at my side
I wear my sword at my side

I have become pure water
I have become pure water



lyrics by --- Leftfield

Damn Day

A wildfire evacuation kinda puts a kink in your work week.
Map sales sure did pick up tho!
It rained today, so I hope this damn Day Fire is over now.

100' clearance

What's 100 feet worth?
Your personal space, your life. Your sacred ground.
No trees? No nature in my backyard....
What about my privacy?

Exposed.
Should we renegociate this distance based on our rural surroundings?
Due to the limited post office hours? Due to your fragile mind.

Yes, 100 feet of clearance is now California State Law.

Defensible Space

Allow me to introduce myself
I am Dana, lil Missy Mite
Don't knock too much
Or I'll put up a fight

Big fire coming over the hill
So what, just come overn chill
Evacuate please, go, run, hurry, scurry

Nope! It's over 4 miles away.
We have information.
Countn on high speed & satellites.
And all the delights

Defensible space
Breathing room
it's what I like



Just say no to rabbit-brush

Cruel

so don't give me respect
don't give me a piece of your preciousness
flaunt all she's got in our old neighborhood
I'm sure she'll make a few friends

even the rain bows down let us pray
as you cock cock cock your mane

no cigarettes only peeled HAVANAS for you

I can be cruel

I don't know why

Why can't my balloon stay up
in a perfectly windy sky

I can be cruel
I don't know why


dance with the Sufi's
celebrate your top ten in the charts of pain

lover brother bogenvilla
my vine twists around your need
even the rain is sharp like today as you sh-sh-shock me sane

no cigarettes only peeled HAVANAS for you

I can be cruel
I don't know why

Why can't my balloon stay up
in a perfectly windy sky
I can be cruel
I don't know why


lyrics by --- Tori Amos

Dance with the Tiger

In every woman and man lies the seed of the fear
Of just how alone are all who live here
Denying the fear is the name of the game
To stare at the fear is going insane
Forgiving the fear is one up on Cane
Is to dance with the tiger
And laugh at the rain

Don't give me your life, I have one of my own
It was a brilliant idea inventing the home
Creatures of habit, American fools
Reaching for stars while we're standing on stools

Letting it go is jumping the train
Is to dance with the tiger
Letting it go though we won't be the same
Is to dance with the tiger
Letting it go is the name of the game
Is to dance with the tiger
And laugh at the rain


lyrics by --- Rosanne Cash

Comfort Zone

"A good plan violently executed today is far and away better than a perfect plan tomorrow." --- General George S. Patton

Quench

"...No punishment less than death could quench the ancient inherited belligerence burning in our pagan blood." --- John Muir

Rightfully Wrong

"there is a way of being wrong which is sometimes neccessarily right" -- Edward Abbey

Virgo Woman

Thanks for giving me such a wonderful childhood!

Growing up as a rambunctious tomboy in the south was unforgettable. While you worked your ass off daily to put us thru a private school, we were oblivious to your sacrifices. Against all odds, I turned out okay.

Observe

I'm not here to make things better.... only to observe and pass judgement.

Confessions

I'm not kidding... few people realize the awesome power Google has laid in their hands. Yet, they do NOT know how to start step-by-step in order to take a slash of the*Huge* AdSense Profits.

If you are like me, you probably feel the same way too. "I Was Sick And Tired Of 'Gurus' Promising Me A *SECRET* AdSense Money-Spinning System... Which Most Are Full Of Hoopla Anyway!"

Listen up... the majority of AdSense users don't really understand how hard it is to make money on the Internet. If you try to learn it from these Gurus who are SO FAR ahead of the game of an 'average Joe', chances are you will fail. On the other hand it can be easy if you start out with a really simple, easy to follow plan - written by Newbies (just like you) and a few advanced AdSense users!

_______________

hhhhmmm?
These schemers always inspire me to (almost) always push the limits.

Yep. My lil web site makes me money now, but it was a rough decade up to this point. Talk about starving student crap all over again. Maybe more like starving artists. Yes indeed, Google & Amazon pay my mortage (thanks to all of you dedicated loyal fans). So I can provide YOU my fellow travelers with more great destinations & photos!!

Remember, CONTENT IS KING.

My web career, my unique lifestyle, my outdoor interest, my web site to you - it's my small gift to the world. Getting your ass outside, more often!

Total Escape is all about the real content, real imagery & real passion... all California, Off the Beaten Path
10 YEARS strong!
http://www.totalescape.com

Ride On

10-10-10! October 10th, 2006
(that's right around the corner) will be Total Escape's tenth year online. Woah, I registered my tiny domain name almost a decade ago. Can't forget them "w's.....www.totalescape.com

When a hi tech pal, Wesley, convinced me he knew HTML & we could start my space on the web, quickly began the demise of my 3D animation career.

Feverously I compiled my collected data from my local travels near California, mostly consisting of brochures & small town newspapers. My best pal Morris generously donated an old Mac & Total Escape was on it's way. Scanning all my old travel photos, making lists of anything & getting rid of unmotivated Wes (cuz WYSIWYG editors hit the scene). Once the mini SUV & digital camera were born, there was no stopping me.

Pressing into Total Escape's 10th annivesary online, the business is finally become something to live for. My baby, my dream job, my contribution to the earth. No printed weekly rags with toxic ink to sit in landfills. All clean & easy, all digital, all instantanious information, for you here. Now!

Thanks for being along for the ride.

Another

If you're only looking for another piece of ass, I'm sure it won't be hard to find. But if your searching for something much more meaningful & substantial - it must take time, energy & patience.

Breathe

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
Woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.


lyrics by --- Anna Nalick

Necessity

Thousands of tired, nerve-shaken, over-civilized people are beginning to find out that going to the mountain is going home; that wildness is necessity; that mountain parks and reservations are useful not only as fountains of timber and irrigating rivers, but as fountains of life.

--- John Muir

My Friend

You've known so long that you were wrong
But still you had your way
You told her lies and alibis
And hurt her more each day
But now your conscience bothers you
You've reached your journey's end
You're asking me for sympathy
I'm Sorry For You, My Friend.

You laughed inside each time she cried
You tried to make her blue
She tagged along through right and wrong
Because she worshipped you
You know that you're the one to blame
There's no use to pretend
Today's the day you start to pay
I'm Sorry For You, My Friend.

Today as she walked arm in arm
At someone else's side
It made you stop and realize
That time has turned the tide
You should have known you'd be alone
'Cause cheaters never win
You tried and lost, now pay the cost
I'm Sorry For You, My Friend.


lyrics by --- Hank Williams

What Difference

All men have secrets and here is mine
So let it be known
For we have been through hell and high tide
I think I can rely on you ...
And yet you start to recoil
Heavy words are so lightly thrown
But still I'd leap in front of a flying bullet for you

So, what difference does it make?
So, what difference does it make?
It makes none
But now you have gone
And you must be looking very old tonight

The devil will find work for idle hands to do
I stole and I lied, and why?
Because you asked me to!
But now you make me feel so ashamed
Because I've only got two hands
Well, I'm still fond of you, oh-ho-oh

So, what difference does it make?
Oh, what difference does it make?
Oh, it makes none
But now you have gone
And your prejudice won't keep you warm tonight

Oh, the devil will find work for idle hands to do
I stole, and then I lied
Just because you asked me to
But now you know the truth about me
You won't see me anymore
Well, I'm still fond of you, oh-ho-oh

But no more apologies
No more, no more apologies
Oh, I'm too tired
I'm so sick and tired
And I'm feeling very sick and ill today
But I'm still fond of you, oh-ho-oh

Oh, my sacred one ...


lyrics by -- The Smiths

Hands Up

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be


lyrics by --- Dido

Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)


lyrics by -- Lee Ann Womack

Full Moon

Quatal Canyon in the moonlight. The full moon rising over the mountains cast the blue light across the hard packed desert wash. An easy walk with a slight breeze & perfect temperatures. I love night hikes.

Quite a beautiful night tonight, even with the eerie owl cries.

These are the moments I live for.

Remove All

Ask if I must remove each & every photo of HIS face from all my photo albums & web pages. If so, that will take a few months to find them all. My computer career spans 18 years, my web site a full decade with 3000 trips logged. 5000 pages & 30,000 images. I am a busy girl ya know?

BIG SILLY CRY BABY......
Not having a good summer with your new business & fat queen?

I've been involved with some pansy guys in my life time, but this one the absolute worst. Someone please make him go away.

Relaunch

My poison poems & bitter thoughts are ongoing, while I live my ultimate dream life. Both hot & cold, up & down, on & off, boring & adventurous, passionate or dull, this bitter sweet dream is also my biggest nightmare. The backyard wildflower oasis is nearly complete; my shag carpet is laid & the love den is coming together; my AWD Saabaru is my best ride, yet I have the reason to write it all. To talk, communicate, to convey my messages. Those who will listen are few.

People still choose to read this blog, fans are even asking for it (months later) so I will make this blog live again.

Out in the Moonlight

I go out walking after midnight
Out in the moonlight just like we used to do
I'm always walking after midnight searching for you

I walk for miles along the highway
Well that's just my way of saying I love you
I'm always walking after midnight searching for you

I stopped to see a weeping willow
Crying on his pillow maybe he's crying for me
And as the skies turn gloomy
Night blooms will whisper to me I'm lonesome as I can be

I go out walking after midnight out in the moonlight
Just hoping maybe you're somewhere walking after midnight
searching for me

I stopped to see a weeping willow
Crying on his pillow maybe he's crying for me
And as the skies turn gloomy
Night blooms will whisper to me I'm lonesome as I can be

I'm out walking after midnight out in the moonlight
Just hoping maybe you're somewhere walking after midnight
searching for me

Raised to the Level

“Men's minds are raised to the level of the women with whom they associate” --- Alexandre Dumas Père

Miss the Most

“Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most” --- Mark Twain

Foot Progress

This past holiday weekend in the Sequoia was gorgeous. We camped on the High Sierra backroads between Sequoia & Kings Cyn NPs. No bears, no crowds & no music. Perfectly relaxing time was had by all.

We were all able to do the CRYSTAL CAVE granny tour, the last day on our departure. Much easier than the 'Wild Cave' spelunking tour I took last time. Hiked about 12-15 miles total over the 3 days & my foot injury is healing up fine. Now for the reconditioning process. Summer is almost over & my foot feels good enough to pick up my regular hiking schedule ; )

heart and soul

“I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process.” --- Vincent van Gogh

Pretend Again

coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....

coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......

this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.

and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i cant imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath

coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.


lyrics by -- Dresden Dolls

Things have Changed

A worried man with a worried mind
No one in front of me and nothing behind
There's a woman on my lap and she's drinking champagne
Got white skin, got assassin's eyes
I'm looking up into the sapphire tinted skies
I'm well dressed, waiting on the last train

Standing on the gallows with my head in a noose
Any minute now I'm expecting all hell to break loose

People are crazy and times are strange
I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range
I used to care, but things have changed

This place ain't doing me any good
I'm in the wrong town, I should be in Hollywood
Just for a second there I thought I saw something move
Gonna take dancing lessons do the jitterbug rag
Ain't no shortcuts, gonna dress in drag
Only a fool in here would think he's got anything to prove

Lot of water under the bridge, Lot of other stuff too
Don't get up gentlemen, I'm only passing through

People are crazy and times are strange
I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range
I used to care, but things have changed

I've been walking forty miles of bad road
If the bible is right, the world will explode
I've been trying to get as far away from myself as I can
Some things are too hot to touch
The human mind can only stand so much
You can't win with a losing hand

Feel like falling in love with the first woman I meet
Putting her in a wheel barrow and wheeling her down the street

People are crazy and times are strange
I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range
I used to care, but things have changed

I hurt easy, I just don't show it
You can hurt someone and not even know it
The next sixty seconds could be like an eternity
Gonna get low down, gonna fly high
All the truth in the world adds up to one big lie
I'm in love with a woman who don't even appeal to me

Mr. Jinx and Miss Lucy, they jumped in the lake
I'm not that eager to make a mistake

People are crazy and times are strange
I'm locked in tight, I'm out of range
I used to care, but things have changed


lyrics by --- Bob Dylan

bane of my existence

To say that something or someone is "the bane of my existence" means that the person or thing is a constant irritant or source of misery. As a cliché, "bane of my existence" has lost its edge to a large degree over the years, and today is most often applied to something that may profoundly annoy us but is certainly bearable... "Bane of my existence" is now almost always used in a semi-jocular, "what are you gonna do?" sense.

But "bane" was once a very serious word. The Old English "bana" meant literally "slayer" in the sense we now use "killer" or "murderer." Early on, the English "bane" was also used in the more general sense of "cause of death," and by the 14th century "bane" was used in the specialized sense of "poison," a sense which lives on in the names of various poisonous plants such as "henbane" and "wolfbane."

From this very literal "something that kills you" usage, "bane" by the 16th century had broadened into its modern meaning of "something that makes life unpleasant, a curse."

opposition

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” --- Albert Einstein

wonder

“I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief” --- Gerry Spence

One Sierra Club Meeting

Over the last few years in Los Padres Forest, I have spotted over a dozen bobcats in the wild, plus 3 mountain lions. One which was in my own front yard. It was a kitten, but chances are mom was nearby. The other was a full grown cat that jumped out across the road out on Cerro Norroeste, at sundown, 5 miles west of Apache Saddle. The third was mid-day on Emigdio ridge, darting across a meadow.

Driving back roads often, plus hiking alone, means I see a lot more wildlife out there. The large cats are rarely seen by humans, but do exist in the rural areas like this. So when I heard the Sierra Club was putting on a presentation the big cats, I had to go find out more. It was a pleasant, low key Saturday evening in my small mountain community, and since there isn't much to do in this town, it was a perfect break from the home-improvement projects.

This outdoors group is quite different from the active Sierra Singles group I belonged to in San Diego. Our local Sierra chapter is made of primarily seniors citizens. I hadn't been to a Sierra Club meeting in ages, I thought I would attend this one since the topic was interested to me.

Little did I know my mere presence would cause such a disturbance. Pizza for dinner & interesting conversation with my friend led to us arriving late & it was a full house with only a few chairs left.

And of course, mister drama king was there with his fat old lady. The room was dark, hot & crowded. I never saw them or made eye contact, but took my seat & sat there watching the speaker. The deceiver had to make a scene. He stomped outta there like an angry jealous boy & his old woman soon followed.

I guess I caused quite a ruckus amongst the gossipy old bags at the Sierra Club, but then again I know who their fearless leader is. Or should I say fear-ful leader? Gun toting Sierra Club members unite!

absorb

“All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.” --- Aristotle

imprisoned

“You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy this body, but you will never imprison my mind.” --- Mahatma Gandhi

discussed

"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people." --- Eleanor Roosevelt

pansy

pan‧sy  [pan-zee]
–noun, plural -sies.
1. a violet, Viola tricolor hortensis, cultivated in many varieties, having richly and variously colored flowers.
2. the flower of this plant.
3. Slang (disparaging and offensive).
a. a male homosexual.
b. a weak, effeminate, and often cowardly man.

The Hell of Heaven

"The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven." -- JOHN MILTON

sundown

"I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in." --- John Muir

integrity

"Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind."
--- RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Lisa

Lisa, My love

You are so inspiring ; )

without accepting

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” --- Aristotle

Good to be a woman

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13 We will never regret piercing our ears
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

as well as

"A house is no home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as for the body."
--- MARGARET FULLER

Love & Dirt

Mmh, you're sticking to my finger
Mmh, you smell like used before
Mmh, your skin to me tastes rotten
Let me lick a little more

First time we walked the junkyard you
said the magic words, love should be
decorated with a little bit of dirt
More or less neglected from backbone
to the heart, it was more than I expected
and I knew it from the start

That you'd fit into my trash box
Mmh, a perfect place to be
Because I know how much that cash
sucks, I want you there for free



lyrics by -- de phazz

21st Century

All the creatures, on your beaches
Makin' waves in the motion picture
Put your kingfish, inbetween us
Search and seizure, weigh the ?

The dollar bill will
Return your ill will
Mom and dad take your don't be sad pill
Turn the screw and twist my leverage
Don't forsake me I'm contagious

There's a reason for the 21st Century
Not to sure but I know that's it's meant to be
You've met a friend to be

It's my favorite combination
Comin' down with the favor of nation
Twist the screw and twist my language
Don't forsake me I'm contagous
Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
Just like you're Cain and Able
Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
Gonna run your table

There's a reason for the 21st Century
Not to sure but I know that's it's meant to be
You know it's meant to be

Read me your scripture and
Read me your scripture
Read me your scripture and
I will twist it
Show me your wrist and I
Show me your wrist and
Show me your wrist and I
Kiss it kiss it
Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
Like you're Cain and Able
Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
We're gonna run this table

Simple Soldier, hand it over
Stop and read what you just told her
Just stop the ration , and mutilation
Of all the sex and good vibrations

There's a reason for the 21st Century
Not to sure but I know that's it's meant to be
You know it's meant to be yeah

There's a reason for the 21st Century
Not to sure but I know that's it's meant to be
You met a friend to be



lyrics by --- Red Hot Chili Pepppers

Hard 2 Concentrate

hustle, bustle and so much muscle awww
cells about to separate
and i find it hard to concentrate and

temporary this cash and carry
i'm stepping up to indicate
the time has come to deviate and

all i want is for you to be happy and
take this moment to make you my family and
finally you have found something perfect and
finally you have found

death defying this mess i'm buying
it's raining down with love and hate
and i find it hard to motivate and

estuary is blessed but scary your
heart's about to palpitate
and i'm not about to hesitate and

one to treasure the rest of your days here and
give you pleasure in so many ways dear and
finally you have found something perfect and
finally you have found......here we go

do you want me to show up for duty and
serve this woman and honor her beauty and
finally you have found something perfect and
finally you have found......yourself

with me....will you...agree...to take
this man...into your world
and now...we are as one

my lone ranger the heat exchanger
is living in this figure eight
and i'll do my best to recreate and

sweet precision and soft collision awww
hearts about to palpitate
and i find it hard to seperate and

all i want is for you to be happy and
take this woman and make you my family and
finally you have found someone perfect and
finally you have found...

all i want is for you to be happy and
take this woman and make you my family and
finally you have found someone perfect and
finally you have found...yourself


lyrics by ----- Red Hot Chili Peppers

C'mon Girl

Everything inside of me
Is burning up for you to see

And if we should get into it
A two way kind of syndicate, ho

Compare us to a ferris wheel
Just be sure of what you want to steal
Some people do it by the book
But I prefer to go by feel, tell me

I wanted to get outta here
But every time I reappear
And know I have the words my dear
To whisper right into your ear, hey, yeah

C'mon girl
Let's get it right
Let's get it right
Let's get it right

The spirit of a dragon's tear
Is lovely at this time of year

The cave within your mountainside
Is deeper than it will be wide hold me

My disenchanted diplomat
Asleep inside the laundromat
Conveyer belts are moving and
I want you to be sure of that, tell me

And if you let it germinate
I know it will be worth the wait
Disputed by the news that it was you
Who tried to instigate, hey

Blessed are the hypocrites
Outwitted but she never quits
The trouble with a band of slits
Is washing off all the muddy bits, hey... yeah

Oh yeah she's with me and I'm your man
If I can't find you no one can



lyrics by ---- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Kerning

The Kern River is the highest I've ever seen it (in the last 20 years). Lake Isabella is at max capacity. The italian restaurant near park in the Kernville is open late & superb. Vacations and road trips... I used to live for them, but now I am learning to stay put, enjoying a real home and working my magic. My final escape from the city.

Ahhhh, yes.... being back in my mountain home is
- a refreshing change from a busy weekend.
- so relaxing, I can actually here myself think.
- a warm welcoming home, exactly like I left it.
- heaven on earth, where I get to create my dreams daily.

Matters

if all this didn't matter much
if you thought nothing of me
if you cared not for me
or what I have to say...
then, you would NOT be reading this web log

you do still care, somewhat
altho you deny it everyday
your actions only prove so

perfectly delicious

"The air was perfectly delicious, sweet enough for the breath of angels. Every draught of it gave a separate and distinct piece of pleasure." --- John Muir

Nothing Good

One does evil enough when one does nothing good.
- German Proverb

Real Easy

If the going is real easy, beware, you may be headed down hill.

I Feel You

i feel you...
in every stone
in every leaf of every tree
you've ever grown

i feel you...
in every thing
in every river that might flow
in every seed you might have sown

i feel you...
in every vein
in every beating of my heart
each breath I take
[in every breath i'll ever take]

i feel you...
anyway...
in every tear that i might shed
in every word i've never said

i feel you...


lyrics by --- Shiller mit Hepbner - Leben

Ought

If you would live your life with ease; do what you ought, not what you please.

Mirror

Look in the mirror - of another's soul.

more said than done

After all is said and done, there is usually more said than done.

Destroy

We mustn't let our passions destroy our dreams.

Bless Them

Romans 12:14

Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.

Scandals

And there's a lust in man no charm can tame, Of loudly publishing our neighbour's shame; On eagles' wings immortal scandals fly, While virtuous actions are but borne to die.

-- Decimus Junius Juvenal

Loud Voice

Irish Proverb: A loud voice can make even the truth sound foolish.

Greatness

An Irish Proverb: Great hate follows great love.

Heaven Has No

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

-- William Congreve

Rural Resort Dwellers

Segment 31:
Rural Resort Dwellers residents follow the scenic route. Favoring milder climates and pastoral settings, they live in rural nonfarm areas throughout the United States. These small, growing communities consist of single-family or mobile homes with a significant inventory of seasonal housing. With a median age of 46 years, the population is older than the U.S. median; most residents are married with no children living at home. Although retirement officially looms for many, most are still working. Many in Rural Resort Dwellers neighborhoods are self-employed with a median household income of $43,000. Simple living and consumer tastes describe the Rural Resort Dwellers residents. They own equipment so they can work on home and garden improvement projects. Domestic four-wheel drive trucks are popular. Their lifestyle includes baking and preparing home-cooked meals as well as participating in local civic issues. They read magazines that focus on fishing, hunting, and home improvement. They go hunting, listen to country music, and zoom around in power boats.

Spells

To break the spell...
Simply stop watching, stop reading, stop trying to not try.

To make me well...
Just please move away, go away, stop the obsession within.

Happy

Irish Proverb: All happy endings are beginnings as well.

Heaterz

It's cheaper to drive around (in my 30 mpg Saab), than it is to HEAT this house. No kiddin' Only dreaming now of winter escapes to the desert. Living outta my car in the winter would be so fun, a month at a time & get a hotel room occassionally.

Why is it that a weird girl like me, can plan a future that involves hi-tech & back roads all in the same breath? Hell-if-I-know(-why). Yep. I just wanna live like a retired senior with a motorhome (4x4 van), have a stable homebase office in the mountains, & cruise around documenting & delivering the West for all my Escapers. Ahhh.

Last night, eleven point 3 degrees. Boy oh boy. That is pretty cold for SoCal. No good boys here to keep me warm. One day I'll get a wood stove, one day I'll get a chainsaw & an axe, one day I'll fix my truck, get a dog, or a horse. I need my sun! One day soon I will be warm. Mod Resort here I come.

Hot Coals

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

-- Buddha

The Possibility

There is always a moment right before I begin to read the story when my mind churns, and I wonder, Will it happen today? I don’t know, for I never know beforehand, and deep down it really doesn’t matter. It’s the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee, a sort of wager on my part. And though you may call me a dreamer or fool or any other thing, I believe that anything is possible.

I realize the odds, and science, are against me. But science is not the total answer; this I know, this I have learned in my lifetime. And that leaves me with the belief that miracles, no matter how inexplicable or unbelievable, are real and can occur without regard to the natural order of things. So once again, just as I do every day, I begin to read the notebook aloud, so that she can hear it, in the hope that the miracle that has come to dominate my life will once again prevail.

And maybe, just maybe, it will.

Sitting in Pictures

"Maybe the idea of harmony. And the way a Hopi prays. A good life, a harmonious life, is a prayer. We don't just pray for ourselves, we pray for all things. We're famous for the Snake Dances, but a lot of people don't realize those ceremonies are prayers for rain and crops, prayers for life. We also pray for rain by sitting and thinking about rain. We sit and picture wet things like streams and clouds. It is sitting in pictures"

-- Fritz (the Hopi Indian college kid)
-- from the book BLUE HIGHWAYS, William Least Heat Moon

Bloodstain

They say if you took it all away
This love would fall apart
I say, no way
You don’t know the size of my heart.

Vicious, suspicious
It doesn’t matter what I say
Users and losers
There’s nothing here to make me stay.

Bloodstain on a blue vein
Take it with no shame
Love tracks on a loose train
Bloodstain

No gain with no pain
My scars are deeper than you think
Tie me, try me
One more time before I sink.

Big lies, big times
This love is not what we’re about
It’s too late, and I’m too straight
It’s time to blow this fire out.

Bloodstain on a blue vein
Take it with no shame
Love tracks on a loose train
Bloodstain on a blue vein

Take me softly
I’m going crazy for your touch.

Bloodstain on a blue vein
..blue....blood, blue....blood, blue...blood
Take it with no shame
..no...take, no...take, no...take

I’m alone
And dissatisfied
And someone else is alone
And dissatisfied



lyrics by -- Unkle

Too Hot to Trot

are you hot? good looking?
are you THAT good in bed?
do you still love him?
do you love him?
do you love him?

These are the questions that echo in my head this night. 11pm - a mason called me to talk about his dear brother & friend. He was asking me over & over again these same questions.

Damn you! This must be a trick.

How can I honestly answer him, when truthfulness is what got me in this mess to begin with. I spill out my heart in empty hope - only to be crucified & taken to court for my words. I formulate my jealousy & rage into poems, songs & emails. Nothing to gain. Only to release ... the bitter pain of rejection & heartbreak.

It has been one full year since I have stepped foot on his property. Years since we've kissed. Months since we've spoken. Never any physical violence, valid threats, or any weapons.... only the emotional ongoing turmoil between both of us. Now he's getting a restraining order against me, the 105 lb camp diva, cuz he can't stand seeing my hot lil ass around our small town.

Why did he have to move here? My life was nearly perfect until he showed up. Why him, why now?
Is he really hurting as much as me?

This has been the most difficult time of my life, all because I fell in love with the wrong man (my only stalker) & didn't have the time for him. I was too damn busy with my stupid little dot com dream.

Seeing him repeatedly in our small town makes me melt. Crying daily about my lost love is ridiculous, so I managed to pull myself together, re-landscape my backyard, triple my web traffic & of course, find another local man to screw.

No, I am no longer loving. I am simply fucking - again. Unconsciously existing. Trying to fight back the tears, as I am being embraced by another, I wonder what real manhood is all about. Over & over again I regret & I grieve. Trying my absolute hardest to forget, to let go, to get over him - I work my winter away in front of this box. Choosing another man these days, just to fill the void.

Needless to say, I am very bizarre chick. One who follows her passion by never following men. Obsessive - about life, about travel, about the outdoors, about our earth, about fun times with friends, about sex, about everything.

Yes, I am sorry that I couldn't have treated him better when he was here. Now, this subtle reminder is in my face daily -- for me to review with remorse, often, but not silently.

Hated

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.

---- Andre Gide

A Warrior's Choice

We choose only once. We choose either to be warriors or to be ordinary... A second choice does not exist. Not on this earth.

-- Carlos Castaneda

Blameless

The righteousness of the blameless makes a straight way for them, but the wicked are brought down by their own wickedness.

-- Proverbs 11:5

A Waste of Time

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.

-- Wayne Dyer

Make Them

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.

-- George Bernard Shaw

Reservoir

Providence is always on the side of the last reserve.

-- Napoleon Bonaparte

Moments

The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want at the moment.

The Hardest Way

It was so hard to see him this way - especially on Valentines Day. Bitter, nervous, angry & slightly emotional -- in front of the judge. I hid my compassion for him, along with my tears. I am not supposed to care - anymore.

Wanting to read a 2 page statement full of email examples, poison poems & specific incidences - of seeing me around our small mountain village, the judge would not hear it. His 6 friends were present, by his side, to speak their oh-so-rehearsed stories of my viciousness.

The court denied his day, his way.

They accepted the important evidence: Two 3-ring binders, filled with love poems, desperate emails & photos of my sexy body. A collection of 2 years worth of my thoughts & yearnings; my most private & personal data ever written. He claimed that I was obsessed with him, stalking & following him everywhere, although I have not set foot on his property in a year, nor have I followed him on his public hiking trails, nor have I parked next to his vehicle.

Maybe this small town isn't big enough for the both of us.
Perhaps the forests isn't large enough for the rest of us.

Drug-Induced Paranoia

We've all heard it before, the restlessness outside the door.
Must you put up such a fight, hopelessly, into the night.
I will walk the forest here, examining myself so near.
Will you live & learn & save, or force others to just behave?

It's obvious, Americans love their drugs. Prescriptions or otherwise.. it is a quiet epidemic. Escape from reality, from the every day grind, from life choices & the self-inflicted anxiety. Smoking weed can heighten your moods, temporarily & on a habitual regular basis, can deaden your senses.... even the most common senses. Side effects of the green, are short term memory loss, anxiety & paranoia. Smoking anything is very unhealthy to the lungs & as it seems marijuana has more tar than cigarettes & is usually smoked without filters, detrimental effects are seen in medical studies.

Rest

He who seeks rest finds boredom...
He who seeks work finds rest.

Poison Poems

A chronology of life, an assemblage of my inner most feelings, thoughts & desires have fallen to the wrong hands. A private journal of mine has been printed, read & re-read, analyzed & over-analyzed, talked over & re-hashed. Featuring much pain & spiteful poison poems, along with full color photos of my new bod.

Hmmm. Perhaps his holiday hug meant nothing after all. Do they not have anything else better to fill their time with? An obsession on their part & hatred within, has escalated into small town drama, bitter gossip & petty crap that only we will laugh about. But what else could I have expected from the low life's of the community?

___

of this year of last
resurfaced all my past
how little did I know
I'd love my only foe

behaviors now modified
taken all in one good stride
looking ahead to start anew
hike & hope not to see you

what is it that I've done so wrong
only wanting to not belong
my purpose is here you see
breaking the mold, skillfully

choosing to share, all that I care
loosing me now, ever to dare

you think you know me oh-so-well
simply I say - you can go to hell

Best Shot

Boys just wanna play
Why can't they stay away?
Selfish & all alone
Humbly, now a drone

At this box I sit & stare
Wondering why I still care
You beat me up &
then you pushed me down
Now I see, you're still around

Hiking the forest trails
Hearing loud my distant wales
I know not what I've done
Working hard, the only one

Trying to give it my best shot
Pathetic crying girl - I am not