Reclaiming Your Manhood

Sit down with your wife and say something like this: 'Honey, I've made a terrible mistake. I've given you my role. I gave up leading this family, and I forced you to take my place. Now, I must reclaim that role.'

Timothy

1 Timothy 2:11-13

A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve.

Love (my) Life

How does a petite & fiesty brunette get a decent date in this cyber world?

105 lbs. Never married, no kids, self-made dream career, decent looking, in shape & a mountain home owner seems like more than decent qualifications. But all I've found up here is silly, dorky, stoned boys wanting me to drop what I am doing to service them. Or divorced toothless contractor alcoholics. Excuse me fellas! I am not your mother, nor your shrink, nor your cook, nor your girlfriend.

My love life is dismal (at best) & I am still seeking that one special man who will find me more than just intriguing. The one that will not be intimdated by a strong personality.

Drag Along

fresh starts, a new year
reconsider by your own ear

forget the past & move ahead
morbid curiosity never dead

working here with colors shown
earth passions, always alone

here I am near living fools
killing the day with little tools

be there, be square
be all, I hope to care

talk is cheap
lessons are long
thank you babe for singing that new song

reality is set
experiences are wrong
thanks so much for dragging me along

Welcome the Longer Days

As I beat down my ever growing ego & try to unravel my last few ounces of sense, I decide to relay my thoughts via this new venue. The last 3 years of my life has been a whirlwind of constant activity and growth. Emotionally, physically, financially, romantically, spiritually... in almost every aspect of my life, there has been massive changes and challenges. Dragging myself thru the dirt, choking on all my dust, I am here to celebrate.

I am welcoming in the new year with a fresh start; new energy, lotsa love and more discipline than ever before. Tone up them abs, eat better foods, continue my dream life (with more awareness): my first home & my growing dot com biz. More home improvements, more marketing, more content and photos, building a better web site - for everyone to enjoy.

My life currently consists of:
Joomla training (Content Management Software)
OSCommerce (New Storefront & Constant Updates)
Trek Mountain Bike (Recently Reconditioned)
Saabaru (2005, AWD, 30 mpg)
Household Paint Dark Purple (for my LaundryRoom)

Last year, I finally slowed down. Adulthood is right around the corner. I traveled less, worked more & lost 25 lbs.
My past year can be summed up with photos - http://totalescape.net/pix/2005/

The Sum

the sum of the year
is precious my dear
for it holds the collection
of your own reflection

tis the only season
for my timely reason
sharing, caring & loving aloud
walking so tall & very proud

do not be a lazy jerk
the sum of your work
is measured with love
efforts, hardships, everything from above

Hugs Everyone

He hugged me today. He was tall, firm & warm. Finally he touched me.

I am sure he was speaking to me, but I lost myself deep in his blue wells. They shown so bright, as he spoke & waved his arms about. Like mirrors to his soul, I see his every move. I had a hard time keeping my focus on the topics at hand, since I was amazed that he was even talking with me. I was mesmerized by his strength and boldness. Making stern points and demands, he was standing above me, gazing into my eyes with a smirk on his face. He was studying me, as I have done to him. Convincing me that he still does (not) care. It was hard to take him seriously, since he was telling me about his cool vehicle in one breath and scolding me with the other.

Thank goodness for small miracles!

(and the rest is history)

Dream of You

i've been here all the time
as far as i know doing right

i've always waited for the moment
that you would come through my door
but this brought loneliness so far

i lay my hand onto my heart
is this the life i want to live?
is this the dream i had of you?

the dream i had of you

now i'm standing here alone
waiting on my own
for something that will fill the emptiness
inside the moment that you mind

but this is loneliness i know
i lay my hand onto my soul
is this what life has got to give?
is this the dream i had of you?

the dream i had of you..


lyrics by - schiller mit heppner

Dry Lakebeds

This past holiday weekend was spent with my best friend, exploring the depths of Death Valley National Park. Sailing across a smooth dry lake bed with an all wheel drive vehicle was a blast. After a few donuts in the dirt, we hopped out for poser photos with the Saabaru.

Driving on hard mud puzzle piece chunks, a bit cushy & crunchy. Yeah! The white Surburban is leaving the deserted lake bed. Cool! Lemme start from way back here.

How fast can I go? Just like the commercials, I was eager to feel the car in action. How long is this stretch of dry lake bed? Can I reach 100 mph? Is that safe? What if I hit a rock? Where does the white stuff end? Are the vents closed?

Well, I only managed to reach 70 mph & that was fast enough. Then we headed over to the dunes. This is when I realized just how low my car is. Getting stuck? After a few close calls while doing turns at the base of the dunes ... sinking as I floored the excellerator & straightened the wheels to escape, we decided to call it a night & watch the mellow sunset near a creek.

bridges

Me - burning bridges? Which bridges are those?

The ones that link me to the darker side?
The bridge to hate, anger & betrayal. The bridge that sets me apart from you. Or the one that connects us all in so many ways. What bridge am I burning & why?
The bridge to you & your mean spirited friends. The bridge across the anger that flows from you so well. The gap between us is growing ever wider.

Your heart is filled with bitterness.
We do not know how to swim.

Merry Jane

It's a comfort zone, sadness.
Makes you look inside.

It's a mellow zone, madness.
Keeps me more alive.

Call it enlightenment,
Call it a buzz.
Addiction is clear,
Sent from above.

Heaven or hell, make it my own spell.
Creating my reality & knowing it well.

Give it your best.
Put your knees to the ground.
You'll get off this merry-go-round.

Make it enlightning, make it profound.
You may only get one go 'round.

Heaven or hell, with my hard sell.
Creating my mind & wearing it well.

Begin with Sin

the reasons that you hate
are unclear my dear
the past stories you debate
are hearsay my peer

the rumors created
the gossip elated
opinions made up
from false data
then mated

manipulations have gone awry
spawning it all, the vicious lie
unveiling hidden motives
no one will ever notice

except me

I gotta sleep with him
although it's brought thru sin
I will never ever begin to win
such an alluring soul like him

It's my only hope you see
to bring the truth to be
find the gem within
to forgive & then begin

It's my only hope you see
what more can I be

except me

Power of Lies

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes - Mark Twain

Show Me

You're a musician or maybe a poet, silly girl and you'll never know it.
If you only came up here to get yourself high, then you must be preaching some kinda lie.
Follow the lows as low as they go, find the answers where ever they show.
Come with me baby. I'll show you the day. Come on now baby, I'll lead you my way.

Live the Lie

What sorrow must she weep
To know my only creep.

What bitterness entails,
Above my lonely wales.

My words are poison to thy ears,
Creating now my deepest fears.

How vulnerable am I
To live such this silly lie.

Empty

Another year has past, leaving me empty & forsaken.
As I design my beautiful life to be, I wait for only thee.

Roam the Forest

In the forest I will roam, until I bring my lover home.
In the forest I will weep. Patiently his heart I keep.

In the loving eyes of blue,
What the hell became of you?

Distance has no effect, emotions high & still a wreck.

A Blast

Who hated me first, you or them?
Who lead who astray, easily willing to betray.

Who liked me once, who loved me more?
Now I can see me begging for more.

Whose love will last, forgetting the past
All I need is to have a blast!

The Bell

Can you ring the bell to my only hell?
Can you make me wait beyond predestined fate?

Will you make me better?
Or just let me learn to hate?

Blanket

Music is my sanctuary
Music is my blanket

Emotionless the city lies
Cruel it is, it clouds my eyes
The dull the dark shades on my day
I live inside this place

Locked up inside my metal cage
Always tense and filled with rage
Above the concrete fields below
With you i wanna go, wanna go

Music is my sanctuary
Music is my blanket

I see only what i wanna see
I'll be only what i wanna be
My blanket covers me, yes


lyrics by - Urban Species