Scandals

And there's a lust in man no charm can tame, Of loudly publishing our neighbour's shame; On eagles' wings immortal scandals fly, While virtuous actions are but borne to die.

-- Decimus Junius Juvenal

Loud Voice

Irish Proverb: A loud voice can make even the truth sound foolish.

Greatness

An Irish Proverb: Great hate follows great love.

Heaven Has No

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

-- William Congreve

Rural Resort Dwellers

Segment 31:
Rural Resort Dwellers residents follow the scenic route. Favoring milder climates and pastoral settings, they live in rural nonfarm areas throughout the United States. These small, growing communities consist of single-family or mobile homes with a significant inventory of seasonal housing. With a median age of 46 years, the population is older than the U.S. median; most residents are married with no children living at home. Although retirement officially looms for many, most are still working. Many in Rural Resort Dwellers neighborhoods are self-employed with a median household income of $43,000. Simple living and consumer tastes describe the Rural Resort Dwellers residents. They own equipment so they can work on home and garden improvement projects. Domestic four-wheel drive trucks are popular. Their lifestyle includes baking and preparing home-cooked meals as well as participating in local civic issues. They read magazines that focus on fishing, hunting, and home improvement. They go hunting, listen to country music, and zoom around in power boats.

Spells

To break the spell...
Simply stop watching, stop reading, stop trying to not try.

To make me well...
Just please move away, go away, stop the obsession within.

Happy

Irish Proverb: All happy endings are beginnings as well.

Heaterz

It's cheaper to drive around (in my 30 mpg Saab), than it is to HEAT this house. No kiddin' Only dreaming now of winter escapes to the desert. Living outta my car in the winter would be so fun, a month at a time & get a hotel room occassionally.

Why is it that a weird girl like me, can plan a future that involves hi-tech & back roads all in the same breath? Hell-if-I-know(-why). Yep. I just wanna live like a retired senior with a motorhome (4x4 van), have a stable homebase office in the mountains, & cruise around documenting & delivering the West for all my Escapers. Ahhh.

Last night, eleven point 3 degrees. Boy oh boy. That is pretty cold for SoCal. No good boys here to keep me warm. One day I'll get a wood stove, one day I'll get a chainsaw & an axe, one day I'll fix my truck, get a dog, or a horse. I need my sun! One day soon I will be warm. Mod Resort here I come.

Hot Coals

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

-- Buddha

The Possibility

There is always a moment right before I begin to read the story when my mind churns, and I wonder, Will it happen today? I don’t know, for I never know beforehand, and deep down it really doesn’t matter. It’s the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee, a sort of wager on my part. And though you may call me a dreamer or fool or any other thing, I believe that anything is possible.

I realize the odds, and science, are against me. But science is not the total answer; this I know, this I have learned in my lifetime. And that leaves me with the belief that miracles, no matter how inexplicable or unbelievable, are real and can occur without regard to the natural order of things. So once again, just as I do every day, I begin to read the notebook aloud, so that she can hear it, in the hope that the miracle that has come to dominate my life will once again prevail.

And maybe, just maybe, it will.

Sitting in Pictures

"Maybe the idea of harmony. And the way a Hopi prays. A good life, a harmonious life, is a prayer. We don't just pray for ourselves, we pray for all things. We're famous for the Snake Dances, but a lot of people don't realize those ceremonies are prayers for rain and crops, prayers for life. We also pray for rain by sitting and thinking about rain. We sit and picture wet things like streams and clouds. It is sitting in pictures"

-- Fritz (the Hopi Indian college kid)
-- from the book BLUE HIGHWAYS, William Least Heat Moon

Bloodstain

They say if you took it all away
This love would fall apart
I say, no way
You don’t know the size of my heart.

Vicious, suspicious
It doesn’t matter what I say
Users and losers
There’s nothing here to make me stay.

Bloodstain on a blue vein
Take it with no shame
Love tracks on a loose train
Bloodstain

No gain with no pain
My scars are deeper than you think
Tie me, try me
One more time before I sink.

Big lies, big times
This love is not what we’re about
It’s too late, and I’m too straight
It’s time to blow this fire out.

Bloodstain on a blue vein
Take it with no shame
Love tracks on a loose train
Bloodstain on a blue vein

Take me softly
I’m going crazy for your touch.

Bloodstain on a blue vein
..blue....blood, blue....blood, blue...blood
Take it with no shame
..no...take, no...take, no...take

I’m alone
And dissatisfied
And someone else is alone
And dissatisfied



lyrics by -- Unkle

Too Hot to Trot

are you hot? good looking?
are you THAT good in bed?
do you still love him?
do you love him?
do you love him?

These are the questions that echo in my head this night. 11pm - a mason called me to talk about his dear brother & friend. He was asking me over & over again these same questions.

Damn you! This must be a trick.

How can I honestly answer him, when truthfulness is what got me in this mess to begin with. I spill out my heart in empty hope - only to be crucified & taken to court for my words. I formulate my jealousy & rage into poems, songs & emails. Nothing to gain. Only to release ... the bitter pain of rejection & heartbreak.

It has been one full year since I have stepped foot on his property. Years since we've kissed. Months since we've spoken. Never any physical violence, valid threats, or any weapons.... only the emotional ongoing turmoil between both of us. Now he's getting a restraining order against me, the 105 lb camp diva, cuz he can't stand seeing my hot lil ass around our small town.

Why did he have to move here? My life was nearly perfect until he showed up. Why him, why now?
Is he really hurting as much as me?

This has been the most difficult time of my life, all because I fell in love with the wrong man (my only stalker) & didn't have the time for him. I was too damn busy with my stupid little dot com dream.

Seeing him repeatedly in our small town makes me melt. Crying daily about my lost love is ridiculous, so I managed to pull myself together, re-landscape my backyard, triple my web traffic & of course, find another local man to screw.

No, I am no longer loving. I am simply fucking - again. Unconsciously existing. Trying to fight back the tears, as I am being embraced by another, I wonder what real manhood is all about. Over & over again I regret & I grieve. Trying my absolute hardest to forget, to let go, to get over him - I work my winter away in front of this box. Choosing another man these days, just to fill the void.

Needless to say, I am very bizarre chick. One who follows her passion by never following men. Obsessive - about life, about travel, about the outdoors, about our earth, about fun times with friends, about sex, about everything.

Yes, I am sorry that I couldn't have treated him better when he was here. Now, this subtle reminder is in my face daily -- for me to review with remorse, often, but not silently.

Hated

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.

---- Andre Gide

A Warrior's Choice

We choose only once. We choose either to be warriors or to be ordinary... A second choice does not exist. Not on this earth.

-- Carlos Castaneda

Blameless

The righteousness of the blameless makes a straight way for them, but the wicked are brought down by their own wickedness.

-- Proverbs 11:5

A Waste of Time

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.

-- Wayne Dyer

Make Them

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.

-- George Bernard Shaw

Reservoir

Providence is always on the side of the last reserve.

-- Napoleon Bonaparte

Moments

The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want at the moment.

The Hardest Way

It was so hard to see him this way - especially on Valentines Day. Bitter, nervous, angry & slightly emotional -- in front of the judge. I hid my compassion for him, along with my tears. I am not supposed to care - anymore.

Wanting to read a 2 page statement full of email examples, poison poems & specific incidences - of seeing me around our small mountain village, the judge would not hear it. His 6 friends were present, by his side, to speak their oh-so-rehearsed stories of my viciousness.

The court denied his day, his way.

They accepted the important evidence: Two 3-ring binders, filled with love poems, desperate emails & photos of my sexy body. A collection of 2 years worth of my thoughts & yearnings; my most private & personal data ever written. He claimed that I was obsessed with him, stalking & following him everywhere, although I have not set foot on his property in a year, nor have I followed him on his public hiking trails, nor have I parked next to his vehicle.

Maybe this small town isn't big enough for the both of us.
Perhaps the forests isn't large enough for the rest of us.