Drug-Induced Paranoia

We've all heard it before, the restlessness outside the door.
Must you put up such a fight, hopelessly, into the night.
I will walk the forest here, examining myself so near.
Will you live & learn & save, or force others to just behave?

It's obvious, Americans love their drugs. Prescriptions or otherwise.. it is a quiet epidemic. Escape from reality, from the every day grind, from life choices & the self-inflicted anxiety. Smoking weed can heighten your moods, temporarily & on a habitual regular basis, can deaden your senses.... even the most common senses. Side effects of the green, are short term memory loss, anxiety & paranoia. Smoking anything is very unhealthy to the lungs & as it seems marijuana has more tar than cigarettes & is usually smoked without filters, detrimental effects are seen in medical studies.

Rest

He who seeks rest finds boredom...
He who seeks work finds rest.

Poison Poems

A chronology of life, an assemblage of my inner most feelings, thoughts & desires have fallen to the wrong hands. A private journal of mine has been printed, read & re-read, analyzed & over-analyzed, talked over & re-hashed. Featuring much pain & spiteful poison poems, along with full color photos of my new bod.

Hmmm. Perhaps his holiday hug meant nothing after all. Do they not have anything else better to fill their time with? An obsession on their part & hatred within, has escalated into small town drama, bitter gossip & petty crap that only we will laugh about. But what else could I have expected from the low life's of the community?

___

of this year of last
resurfaced all my past
how little did I know
I'd love my only foe

behaviors now modified
taken all in one good stride
looking ahead to start anew
hike & hope not to see you

what is it that I've done so wrong
only wanting to not belong
my purpose is here you see
breaking the mold, skillfully

choosing to share, all that I care
loosing me now, ever to dare

you think you know me oh-so-well
simply I say - you can go to hell

Best Shot

Boys just wanna play
Why can't they stay away?
Selfish & all alone
Humbly, now a drone

At this box I sit & stare
Wondering why I still care
You beat me up &
then you pushed me down
Now I see, you're still around

Hiking the forest trails
Hearing loud my distant wales
I know not what I've done
Working hard, the only one

Trying to give it my best shot
Pathetic crying girl - I am not

Oceano

The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.

Kinda I Want To

I can’t shake this feeling from my head.
There’s a devil sleeping in my bed.
He’s watching you from across the way.
I cannot make this feeling go away

I know it’s not the right thing.
And I know it’s not the good think.
But kinda I want to

I’m not sure of what I should do.
When everything I think of is you.
All of my excuses turn to lies.
Maybe God will cover up his eyes

I know it’s not the right thing.
And I know it’s not the good think.
But kinda I want to

Maybe just for tonight.
We can pretend it’s alright.
What’s the price I pay.
I don’t care what they say.
I want to.
I want to

I’ll take my chance tonight



lyrics by -- Nine Inch Nails

Forcing

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were. 

-- Cherie Carter-Scott

Aquarius, part 2

Aquarian Katy excitedly told her husband that she has concert tickets to Sisters of Mercy. His reply was "Who you taken?"

This past weekend I visited all my pals in San Diego & joined Katy at the House of Blues, where we walked Salvation Alley to see Sisters of Mercy. Next time they say standing room only, I'll make sure to splurge for the seats upstairs. Luckily I was able to exit the dance floor (in my borrowed platform boots) before the mosh pit started. Security put a quick stop to any violent fun & the silly adult boys were a little disappointed, but whaddya expect from a top-noch venue like that?

The Aquarius celebration ends today, the cusp -of the genius sign. We now move into a new realm of adventure, vivid lifelike dreams & special healing powers. Are you ready?

And today's horror-scope for Aquarius:
Your newfangled approach to things might be getting some serious flack from others today, dear Aquarius, but do not let this stop you. Realize that your independent and somewhat rebellious nature is a key ingredient in keeping the world in balance. Don't give up the fight when old and tired ways of doing things insist on taking the upper hand. Use your power from within to combat the forces from above.

Big Deal

You don't know what's wrong,
you only know it isn't right.
You don't remember for how long,
but you wake in tears at night.
Big deal.
Big deal.

You spend four nights a week now
looking for your inner child.
What you gonna say when you find him?
Suppose you don't like him
or he doesn't like you?
Suppose once you wake him up
he won't go back to bed
and wants to stay up late watching TV?

But you say there must be some reason
why you feel this way.
Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?
Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?

You say you wanna get cured,
you wanna turn off your head.
Oh and you say it hurts,
and you feel unsure.
First you doubt yourself and then you doubt her.

Big deal, that's the way we all feel.
Big deal, what is it you wanna feel?
Big deal, that's the way I feel.
Big deal, what she think she feels?

What is it you wanna feel?
I don't think you wanna feel


lyrics by -- Everything but the Girl

Growth

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Beyond

"The future is beyond knowing, but the present is beyond belief."

-- William Irwin Thompson

Example

If you can't be a good example - then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

-- Catherine Aird

Dominion

In the heat of the night
In the heat of the day
When I close my eyes
When I look your way
When I meet the fear that lies inside
When I hear you say
In the heat of the moment
Say, say, say

Some day, some day, some day, dominion
Come a time
Some day, some day, some day, dominion
Some say prayers
Some say prayers
I say mine

In the light of the fact
On the lone and level
Sand stretch far away
In the heat of the action
In the settled dust
Hold hold and say
In the meeting of mined
Down in the streets of shame
In the betting of names on gold to rust
In the land of the blind
Be...king, king, king, king

Some day, some day, some day, dominion
Come a time
Some day, some day, some day, dominion
Some say prayers
Some say prayers
I say mine



lyrics by - Sisters of Mercy

Perspective

1: a way of regarding situations or topics etc.
2: the appearance of things relative to one another as determined by their distance from the viewer

The Fool

i've wronged you & you've wronged me
this could go on here...
indefinitely

cleaning the slate & starting anew
would you give it a break
learning not to accrue

wanting my space, to grow my own soul
you pushed & your prodded
i'll say it's getting old

i needed to be me, just let me work
but you had to move in
and be such a jerk

demanding, scolding, & being so cool
expecting too much here
now we both play the fool

Relinquish

Relinquishing control is the ultimate challenge for the Spiritual Warrior.

Saintly Sins

Tomorrow morning will determine how I will view 'falling in love' - for the rest of my life. No more fairy tale bull shit. No more poems, original songs or promises to believe. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day & while most couples are lined up to get married, I will be standing solo, as usual, defending my place in the forest. On this special day for romance, I will be present at the Kern Courthouse to hear my former lover, tell the world just how much he hates me. My crime - loving too much.

Mind you, this is the goofy Freemason boy, who signed up on consecutive Total Escape Adventures & knew more about me than any customer ever had. He dated my San Diego neighbor for months, bought the same kind of vehicle as mine (Amigo) & as soon as I move to Los Padres, he follows me up here to buy a home too. Pursuing me to win my hardened heart, dazzle my days & then rip me to shreds.

This poor boy knows no work ethic or self discipline. He chooses to live among small minded folks, who he can easily impress & who ask nothing of him. He would like to control MY every move (as the submissive female) - including what time I can visit the post office, local cafe, even which trails or roads I can be on. We live in a 2 mile radius, in the middle of nowhere. Deal with it!

You will see me - almost daily, in your life, cuz you moved here - near me
..... And if this haunts you, seek professional therapy, soon.

In the many stories of Saint Valentine, he was always known as a martyr. So, if DanaMite is found dead in the forest with a bullet hole in her head, you all know who finally lost it.

Genevieve

I have been driving back roads for over 2 decades... camping, hiking, biking, exploring. Matter of fact, I love it so much, I created a web site because of my love for nature. My truest passion, vision with technology working on my side, I have built a very popular California site to aid travelers who seek off the beaten path.

Nothing can slow you down better than a good foot injury. Just as my life was getting off the ground, as a new home owner & growing dot com biz, I managed to push myself a little too damn far. As usual.

In mid summer 2004, a drinking glass broke & the heaviest shard fell on top of my right foot. Seemed like a minor scrape to me, a bad bruise perhaps, so I iced it for 3 days. Then, I took off to Mammoth for the July 4th weekend. How bad could it really be - this was a luxurious condo trip, after all?

A small group of us climbed up the north side of Laurel Lakes - over to Lake Genevieve, a 10,000' alpine elevation lake in the high Sierra. Afterwards, I took Advil & continued to ice it hourly. I was leading another group, in the Sonora Pass the following weekend, & wasn't planning on missing it. I took it easy & researched some big creek near Bridgeport. Nine days after my initial injury, I literally limped home to Los Padres.

The following month, I was off to the Santa Cruz Redwoods for Firedance.org festival, where Total Escape had a merchant booth. Needless to say, these silly decisions to stay on my foot cost me dearly.

X-rays determined no broken bones, but I had nearly severed a major tendon. I spent the next few months on crutches with a very long winter ahead. With one awfully tired foot, I forced myself to stay put for one full season & work on the computer.

Managing to loose excess weight with better diet & yoga, Springtime was looking better than ever. Summer came not soon enough, but brought with it major landscaping & much physical labor. The abused foot was not healing properly. My arch was falling & I still had swelling. Back to the doctor for a fourth visit. Finally after a 6 months wearing custom orthodics/insoles, I can feel the healing curve is starting to progress.

No way... Nature girl cannot get cabin fever! I moved here to enjoy the forest, to re-create my life. Staring at a computer for too many hours can really bug me out, so I must spend time outside - daily. I will hike in the moonlit meadow; Stroll thru the warm forest with a solo picnic lunch; Drive the curvy mountains roads, watching the sunsets, as I please. This active outdoor babe has tripled her business, built a 100' long retaining wall & lost 20% of her body weight - all in the last year.

Now, after many of my hardest months behind me, I am healing my foot back to normal. Short hikes often, on level ground, has helped me recover in a slow but steady progress. The flattest trails in the forest, the old lady hikes, are now my favorite strolls. Places I would normally shy away from, I seek as refuge. Next, I plan to increase my canyon hikes, plus get back to mountain biking - to give my ass the real workout it deserves, along with much needed cardiovascular exercise. My lessons are long, my travels many. Slowly, but surely, I am healing.

On My Knees

It's 9pm on a Saturday night & I'm waiting for a boy to show up. A man, testosterone, male, anything, soon. He usually shows up sooner or later. Sometimes not for months, but eventually - he comes around. The wait is getting longer. The selection slimmer. The real ones fewer.

Three years ago this very month, I made a clear, concise decision to remove myself from normal everyday society. Urban, city - as I knew it. Eagerly I ran away to a mountain hide-out, so I could continue to build my business, my ever-expanding self, plus (the real reason) to be able to afford buy a house in SoCal.

Staying busy on a Saturday night in downtown San Diego was never a problem. Always a place to spend your cash. Always friends to have with laughs. I've done my decade of traveling, I just wanna stay put now. Yeah, now that I have a home. Relax, work, play. It's all about the discipline. The slowing of rural living, enjoying nature more often & having minimal distractions brought this dot com chica to her knees - literally.

Natural Light

I wanna let it get the best of me
Gotta give it all, cuz I believe
You'll only see me in natural light
Never hear me pickin' a fight

It's all a silly lil stupid game
Love still matters, all the same
Bitter hating, it's not for me
Cuz I just want real-ity

Narrow minds can go away,
Or do you really wanna stay?
Negative energy is all it is
Concentrate on your own biz

Stop fooling around and being a jerk
Your picked it here with all the quirks
Examine the self; then look at me
One day you'll see me - naturally

Blazing Trails

"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

-- Emerson

Baffled by Life

I suspected that this man embraced one crisis after another because they gave him significance, something like tragic stature. He had so lost belief in a world outside of himself, without crisis, he had nothing worth talking about. On and on, the tolling of words revealed his expertise in living a life that baffled him.

-- from the book BLUE HIGHWAYS, William Least Heat Moon

Remake

"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world... as in being able to remake ourselves."

-- Mahatma Gandhi

Stress Less

"It takes as much stress to be a success as it does to be a failure."

-- Emilio James Trujillo

Love what you do

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful."

-- Herman Cain

Foolish Hell

You are a dark soul. You mimic your peers, as you have no real identity. You betray me & everything pure we had. You ignore truth & light. You choose this path with these fools. I will let you go now. You've disappointed me for the last time. Go down with them! Go down to their hell, with their bad decisions & pathetic lives. Please don't ever say I didn't try hard enough. My persistence with my love has run it's course. In due time, you will come to realize what a horrible decision you have made. They will surely take you down with them. Be satisfied with the hell you've created.

Condemnation

Condemnation
Tried
Here on the stand
With the book in my hand
And truth on my side

Accusations
Lies
Hand me my sentence
I’ll show no repentance
I’ll suffer with pride

If for honesty
You want apologies
I don’t sympathize
If for kindness
You substitute blindness
Please open your eyes

Condemnation
Why
Because my duty
Was always to beauty
And that was my crime

Feel elation
High
To know I can trust this
Fix of injustice
Time after time

If you see purity
As immaturity
Well it’s no surprise
If for kindness
You substitute blindness
Please open your eyes



lyrics by - Depeche Mode

Warrior King Inside

So my Warrior King led me to techniques that helped me clear, clear, clear all the stuck and suppressed energy. And then as a validation, I met a man who mirrored to me -- my new self. We had a short, but very interesting relationship. In our relationship he expressed the male aspect - initiating our time together, making the plans, providing a safe environment for us to explore each other.

For the first time in my life, I surrendered and allowed a man to take the lead. He told me what he wanted and what he thought about things. I told him how I felt about what he said and wanted. And he respected my feelings. He made the necessary corrections to allow me to continue to feel safe and cherished.

As I reflected upon our relationship, I noticed the difference between this and all my past relationships. I acknowledged to myself how much I enjoyed expressing feminine energy in this relationship. And as I did this, I saw my inner female stand up and take notice. She came out of the fetal position in the back of the cave and stood in the sunlight. She basked in the energy of my appreciation of my femininity.

And as she absorbed this appreciation, she began to transform. She started growing up from a girl, through adolescence, through puberty, into a mature woman. And as she transformed, my inner male stood by and watched in fascination and growing excitement. Yes, yes, this is what he had been waiting for.

She grew into a beautiful woman and stood to face the Warrior King.

interesting reads by Suzanna Kennedy, http://www.realitycrafting.com